Lackluster

I took the long way home today, but then again I tend to take the long way home every day now after work. I don't know why. Today has been a rollercoaster day. Right now I'm a bit grey. So I'm just going to write, hopefully something will be relieved.

I miss you, every day. My mind is so confused. I don't even know who I miss. I just know that I have this feeling in my chest. I just feel that I have a huge chunk missing; there's a major void in my chest that I wish could be filled. It does feel to be seemingly sort of filling up day by day and pain is beginning to really dissipate and slowly flow away, but other times whatever it is seems to be becoming replaced with other equally minor things. What do I have to do to feel free? Try and refrain away from trouble and it immediately doubles. My lack of discipline is continuing to hinder me in every which way possible. How do you even improve on it? I'm beginning to really feel like a life failure with my lack of real motivated ambition. I feel lost at times and really just want to quit life. I've been thinking about my personality and how much of a slacker I really am. It's pathetic. Everyone around me seems to be working so hard, and then there's me. The one who chooses to just get by and not want to work hard or go through anything. The one who wants everything just done for her. How am I this kind of person?

To be honest, I just feel so damn exhausted all the time, which is completely lame because my life is so fortunate and there is nothing wrong. I lead a completely spoiled life, and yet I'm useless and wasteful. All I have are my strongly rooted principles and morals, yet my lack of motivation for action is null. I feel already hopeless and defeated even before I have even tried. Too scared to try or just really don't care. I don't think I'm scared, am I just lazy? What the hell is wrong with me?

I've decided to discontinue my meds, only because I find it a major inconvenience to have to go see my physician and waste my insurance co-pay every time when the medication doesn't even seem to be working a bit.