Love Update And Then Some.. Rambling

Or rather a lack of love thereof by choice update. I just figured since I haven't archived what I've been doing these past couple months so as long as I am in a entry posting mode (though unfortunately not in a really  inspirational free verse mode- so please bear with my very messily unorganized thoughts and basic vernacular), I might as well mention a little something. These are ultimately the days of our lives haha.

A couple months ago I decided that I did not want to deal with anything having to do with participatory infatuation/lust/love/etc. Basically I just rolled up the invisible ball of drama and threw it up in the air along with my hands. I did away with all the ones on the side and the ones not on the side. Cut them all off. Deleted, ignored, and banished from my mind. Because I wanted to. But of course these are the ones who don't mean anything. Because the one(s) that do or did, t(he)y aren't (isn't) in my life anymore and haven't (hasn't) been for quite some time. But that's a different story not for this entry.

Why did I do that? Simple.
I came to a halting realization and truth that, I absolutely don't want to date right now, at all. I don't want to deal with any of it and don't want to have to. I just want to handle myself by myself. (to be honest, I think I also might be quite incapable of opening myself to anyone new anyway- but that's besides the point and purpose)

I meant it, and still do. This objective has been completely met and is still ongoing with the committed promise to myself. There have been many potential suitors (there always will be, but they're all not good enough- I refuse to settle when they're not the right one. Hence to doing away with it all. This isn't being picky, it's just knowing what you want and what you don't want), but even so I have refused to indulge in my slightly sparked interests. But we all know my horrible taste in men, so if I am the least bit attracted then that must mean he's an asshole. But it wouldn't matter if someone came along that managed to catch my eye, because I still wouldn't and won't become involved. And I haven't, I've actually been quite good in this department. I have been completely free. Pretty proud of myself haha. But, I honestly do not want to date right now and probably won't want to for a very long time. I just want to work on my own self improvement for now, moment to moment.

I want to be better in my entirety. I have quit smoking, though albeit I do indulge if I partake in drinking social festivities. But thing is, I'm tired of all this. Tired of all the same crap. Tired of alcohol and the terrible and embarrassingly consequential comical experiences. Tired of slowly killing my body. Tired of slowly killing myself. I don't want to drink anymore. It is and will be very tough to implement, but I want this to happen. I have already started slowly, but it does have it's occasional relapses. I am 22 years old after all. It is way too easy to let drinking get out of hand because the moment you begin, the pace just moves quicker and quicker until you find yourself in the inebriated state you had been trying to avoid all night long to begin with. So hopefully with the discontinuation of alcohol consumption, the cigarette smoking will too cease as well. But more importantly, I can't get completely better if I don't quit drinking. Alcohol is a true depressant and that's exactly what I am trying to combat. After a full night of drinking, I end up feeling even worse than I did before. My depression elevates to unbearable levels. No bueno if you ask me.

So yep, you guessed it- I want to not go out at night so much anymore. Actually, I have been doing that. Been starting with staying home on either a Friday or Saturday night. (another story goes along with that but that's again not for this entry) I never go out on Sundays- they're my mental health stay in lazy days. Going out at night creates way too much dangerous temptation. There's too much static electricity filled energy in the air of which is only strengthened and reinforced because it feeds off itself through and from person to person. And my ability to get into trouble is way too great and effective.

So basically, I really wish I were actually more introverted, but I don't think it'll ever be possible for me to be in any way introverted. I think I am way too extroverted for my own good and that almost always tends to lean towards getting myself into too much trouble than I bargained for. I am finally beginning to knowledgeably accept what everyone else has perceived all along and of which I have refused to admit, that I have this odd innate sense of rebellion and mischief in my blood stream that leads me to gravitate towards the very opposite of what is safe. Thus the lack of discipline in the right life choices because I would rather be involved with the immediately wanted instant gratification and desired impulse decisions. Go figure, but we all already knew that. What you want isn't what is necessarily good and right for you right? Right. My passionate nature leads me to not be very conservative (the only thing conservative about me would be with the way I dress on a daily basis) at all in life and actually catapult me into a way liberal and sort of quite wild categorical group. You can probably deduce that from my very open and opinionated personality. We are the only ones responsible for our own actions and choices, and should hope to always be brave enough to own up to it. If it's not one thing it's another.

But again I am rambling and my thoughts have run away with me again.
Bottom line: I just want to be better. I want to be a better person for myself because I am not liking who I have become. Or more so, not not liking who I have become (because if I weren't be then I wouldn't be me right?), but not liking the decisions and actions I make and execute for myself. I meant what I said when I spoke of needing to make better life choices. I am a good girl at heart as well as an existing self paradox. I know I'm most likely too hard on myself, we are our own worst critic after all, but if you can't or won't try to understand yourself and want to keep improving through life to maximize your own potential- then what's the point?