Dream Haze

Sleep consciousness can cloud anyone's judgment.
I woke up this morning and finally came to my senses.

I'm a glutton for punishment.
And although I feel the way I do, I really really shouldn't and really really can't let myself. Despite the desired inconsistencies between my heart and my brain.

When I think back about the too many times you've hurt me, my messy mayhem that I wrecked for those 2 months (of which I have felt entirely guilty, sorry, and entirely to blame for because I've done and said some messed up shit) cannot even compare to the hurt you've reaped for the past almost decade. I still look back and can feel the aches and stings I felt when every almost fatal occurrence happened. And I still cannot believe I let it happen or more so continued to put myself in those situations. There are so many instances and I remember each one completely and so vividly; I am such a fucking idiot. And I know it is partially my fault for letting it happen- for contiguously allowing myself to be treated like shit by the male sex. (what can I say, these deep rooted daddy issues are too psychological to physically be aware of and control)

Ultimately, I've been fooled, used, and tossed aside. Over and over again I have been discarded and I don't think I ever really meant anything close to what you mean(t) to me. What a fool I continue to be and I can only imagine what your subconscious really thinks of my naive foolishness and ability to manipulate my ignorant gullibility to suit your convenient advantages.

Why do I still relapse into missing you the way I do? This is such bullshit and error.

And I know I will need to come to my senses more than times can count, but I'll keep on trying. If at first you don't succeed, you fucking keep on trying. Right?