Wishes And Reality

I wish it would rain. I always wish it would rain, there's just something about the melancholy that I'm utterly addicted to that is able to comfort me extensively. Maybe I really should move to a northern region of which does rain all the time.

More so,
I wish something real would find me. Because I so need it. This will probably be the only time I ever will say it or even fully and earnestly admit a buried desire, but, I do need to be loved- so fully, unconditionally, rightly, and completely. Pathetic right?
But I always am in need of it.

The truth? In the plainest words?
The truth is, I'm sad. I'm so sad. And so honestly defective.
A secret that is not so much of a one to this space, but a great one to my real existing physical environment. I crave something, so much, all of the time- subconsciously or consciously, that is when I allow it, of which I'm am completely incapable of emotionally and mentally letting myself attain.

I am a good and great liar as well as an incredible pretender, so much that I should deserve an award, to my entire existing reality of a social world habitat. No one close to me or around my person even remotely knows or can even be able to conclusively fathom and understand the confusing pain I bear within my body daily. Oh how I wish I wasn't made like this to feel so much.

Even from early childhood I knew within every molecule of my being that something was so different about me from the rest of my peers. I knew already then that I didn't fit in anywhere and probably never would.

Yet, I now embrace my intense diversity with positive and compellingly happy open arms- I actually really love it, how different I think and really am made of, it's just the dark side of which bothers me and creates problems. There are always tough glitches that weigh you down. Some more so than others.

Yet, there's nothing that can be done, except keep moving forward.

Shit, yeah I really need to seek out a psychiatrist. I'm working on that though, soon in due time, relax. In the mean time, sit back and enjoy the relevance, or contrast.

It's 5:47am right now, yeah I'd say I need to call it a night and try to sleep. I love sleeping because I never am able to do it well, if even at all. I love being sent into another dimension of possibilities through dream. We all already know I'd rather sleep and dream all the time, forever. If only I could find a way to make it last, because when I wake, ever terrible ache comes rushing back. Sleep dreaming is the only real safe place for me away from everything, away from myself.

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