Quitting

I'm drowning. God, I'm so unhappy, fitful, and numb all at the same time. I am so irritated all the time by everything and can't help picking fights whenever for no reason. So much that I really don't know what to do. I don't know what to do anymore. All I really want to do is cry and run a goddamn knife along my entire body, but I can't do either. The only thing I can do is stay holed in my sanctuary of a room and try to perpetually sleep everything away. That, and the fact that I just don't feel like getting out if bed. Is this just being purely lazy? Or is this depression driven lack of huge motivation? I feel like such a failure that I can't tell anymore, everyone else just thinks it's just mere laziness. They can't imagine or understand how chaotic my insides are, I've even tried sharing, which only ever turns out to be a big mistake- they can't fathom it or understand how deeply rooted it actually is. They think it can be cured 'just like that', bullshit. Oh and I think i'm quitting my job, I haven't been in the past two days nor do I plan on today, I've also been letting the ball drop now for a good amount of months. I know it isn't fair to those around me, but I can't work there anymore, it's a big part of what is making me so goddamn unhappy. I literally cannot scrounge up the least bit of motivation to go, the thought of getting up for working there is killing me. All that resonates in my mind when I think about this job is "I can't do this anymore." Something needs to change right? It's bad when you have obligations and can't even manage it for the life of you to get up in time to be somewhere because you have to be. It can't go on like this right? I just feel so angry all the time and want to break/smash/throw everything. I haven't been sleeping well at all at nights for a long time now, I'm beginning to consider taking drowsy cold medicine again just to get some relief. I don't want to be awake anymore, ever. Call me a coward and call me a quitter, I don't care. Cheers to royally fucking up my life.

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