Sickening

I feel sick.
What is it with parents and their need to turn everything around, take it the wrong way, get defensive, and make everything about themselves. Is it because their parents did that to them when they were younger, so much so that they feel the need to continue repeating this awful killing cycle?
And what is it with my ability to inadvertently hurt or disappoint them, which is never my intention.

Me, being so goddamn rooted in my traditional values (no matter how liberal my standpoints are, but there are two parts of me. My real self, of whom sadly my parents will never get to know because it doesn't even register in them to consider it, and the dutiful Chinese daughter self, of whom they only want to see myself as, or as whom they think I only should be), and having such different perspectives all around to want to constantly break out of the common mold as to try and stop the (well at least my) further perpetuation of a godawful brainwashed ideology, certainly causes a great stir.

Either way you can't win.
When does it end? When does the whole cycle of hurting each other ever end? It doesn't.
I can tell you one thing, bearing the burden and hurt as to try and prevent hurt for your parents can be all too much. And it constantly hurts, for they will never really understand. As I have said before, the fucking generational cultural gap between first generation kids (me) and immigrant parents (them) is far too great for any real progressive understanding to ever succeed or be fully executed productively.
But it definitely is just as burdening on the parents as well seeing as we literally are made from their pieces and that in itself is a whole other connected category in itself. Either way, you can't win. I've tried for almost a decade, and believe it- nothing has progressed, everything just becomes repressed and avoided. Unless you come from straight up fled from communism immigrant parents, I don't think you could fully understand the complete extent of this great disconnect. Asian parents think a certain way, I can only speak for my Chinese/Taiwanese parents, but they all think a certain way because they are so rooted in traditional culture and a whole different set of Eastern ideologies completely different from the created American ones.

Yet, what gets me the most is their inability to see me as the person I am. As an individual with my own beliefs and real theories and viewpoints on life. Even when I try to share, they zone out and don't hear me. (my mother) Or they just take it in a completely wrong way that I am just a 'bad kid' with my need for expression through tattoos and what not, or even relief for the matter. (my father) I cannot tell you how many times I am actually trying to talk to my mother and within seconds, she zones out and doesn't even hear me. They immediately start talking about something else leading me to think they cannot even fathom that I am a person with her own intentions towards life and her own distinct philosophies. And that every thing I choose to do has a real purpose rather than just "for fun" or "for the hell of it" as my father wrongly yet strongly believes. They don't even consider that there is a greater extension of me that I honestly and adamantly believe to be the best part of me of whom I am so proud of and take pride in being. And it's sad that they'll never get a chance to know who I really am or be a part of me because they're so blinded by only seeing what they want to see or what they only choose to see.

Don't even get me started on my mother's ability to make my huge and personal disorders with depression all completely about her. And you can't tell them that childhood is the cause of most of it because of environmental factors, since that would only hurt them even more. Knowing it's their fault but never being able to say it, or actually saying it and then causing more rifts in the already broken familial structure. When I tell her how I feel, it only ever takes less than 10 seconds for her to refute back with her issues of how this affects her. It doesn't matter how much this all tears me up, no, what matters is how this affects her and makes her feel. It bothers me that emotions can't ever be fucking put aside for once just to hear the other person out in order for a greater understanding. Either way there is a major miscommunication regardless of how badly both parties want to repair and bridge the inability to fully reach real progress.
I'm too exhausted to even edit this, so pardon the inconsistent flow or accidental minor structure/syntax/grammar errors. I'm going back to bed.