Darwinism At Its Best

So I've come to a conclusion, I think I'm going to die young. Or at least definitely not make it to old age. I'd be lucky if I even make it that far. If it were (is) survival of the fittest, I would so not have a chance. In fact, I would probably be killed off somewhere in the middle of all the survival extremes and evolution.

How did I come to this conclusion? Well, aside from my impaired mental and emotional health- because this isn't even about that mainly- my physical health has never been what you would call superior. Actually to say the least, my physical body is all fucked up. Literally.

Oh how I accept the facts, let me count the ways. Actually, I've never actually listed them out before or thought about them in an organized and collective way. So it'll be interested to see it all down in one space. Let's give it a go.

I was born with a heart murmur, but luckily by the time I was nearing middle school it closed up. I can tell you from personal experience that having to take antibiotics an hour before and after every single possible thing involving ingested blood (teeth cleanings, orthodontia, etc.) was not very fun as a child.

Okay, actually I was born with more than a heart murmur, I was jaundiced and had to be put under the bright ass light to help my skin pigmentation. Makes sense because severe jaundice signifies other health issues.

Among many health issues, I had severe allergies/eczema. Whenever I ate something that wasn't fresh my body would react. (my body now to this day is still very sensitive, I thought this happened to everyone, but apparently not. ie; whenever, and I mean whenever- even within a day- the weather changes, my skin reacts, but I've already elaborated on that story with my make up and description adventures. I also still get really bad allergies. When I was younger it was worse though, I've been sent to the emergency room twice for really bad accidental food allergies (you know, lungs and throat close up, entire body itchy, hives and redness, whole face bloats up- eyes, mouth, tongue, everything, wheezing and thus coughing to try to breathe, haha think the movie Hitch except with that comical crrr noise he makes and the finger in ear sticking scenario, dunno what that was all about but oh how great Will Smith does it and is, yep) along with many other allergy breakouts, but I waited out the breakouts because goddamn hospitals don't come cheap even if you do have insurance. Only when I couldn't completely breathe than I went to the hospital.
To this day I still don't know what causes them, but it's something to do with lack of cleanliness of cooking (same oils, not regularly cleaned grills, etc.) or freshness of food. I had really bad skin apparently (cracked, red, dry- think in an allergic sense of way), I don't remember myself, but this is what I've been told. I just remember having to drink a lot of Chinese apothecary herbal medicinal remedies every day (in case you've never tried it, it's bitter as hell- but Eastern medicines work, they've surpassed and survived for so long for a reason. duh, don't hate), not only that but I also bathed in it to help my skin. I honestly don't remember how I might've looked, but I do remember the baths in the kitchen sink filled with an herbal medicine-like broth and having to drink a separate kind for my health. (different remedies for different ailments, it's not all the same- and no, all asians do not in fact all look a like) But, for someone with such bad skin, my epidermis is actually quite nice and smooth- aside from the sensitive breakouts on my face and scars. I say I've turned out quite well for a girl with a family of bad genes.

Mild asthma- my father smoked until I was 4. He quit cold turkey though, suppose that's where I get my strong will power and non-physical addiction to nicotine. I don't think I have asthma anymore though because I'm good on the cardio thing now. Before when I was a child I couldn't run because I couldn't breathe, now it's about endurance. I used to think it was so weird that everyone could run far for a prolonged period of time, but I just couldn't. Meh.

In middle school for the 7th grade spinal inspection (you know, they do that with the whole hepatitis shot thingy cause people are going through puberty), it was found that I indeed have a severe case of scoliosis. A case of what is called the C-hip and spine curvature. What most people don't know about is the uneven muscles of which support your bones are more detrimental than your actual skeleton. It's what causes curvature and everything to be uneven. Yeah, not cool. Despite routine visits to the chiropractor, I will always have problems and still do to this day, every day. I'm not worried now, but am if I ever do decide to have children. I'm worried about what the weight will do to my spine. Also, I was told that if I was older and took a really big fall that I might need iron rod thingies put in to hold it up, I dunno. But not good right?
y the by, my family has never had great bone structure and health to begin with. (yayy.. not.) I think I am slightly bow-legged, more so in my right leg and I have weak ankles and wrists. And my knees are a bit worn I think from years of dance, karate, activity in general. But, I do have a great pair of legs for my skeletal structure. I've been told I have killer legs. Har har, yes you've got to gloat and take it where you can get it sometimes haha.

Indeed, I have bunions! I know, it sounds gross but it really isn't as severe as it seems. I Actually like the way my feet look, they're cute. If they were ugly I would say so. (like my hands, they're ugly- well, it's the kind you know where she's done work before instead of the soft and fragile hands that point evidence to having never worked with their hands a day in their lives. ie; household chores, etc. they're not rough but not super soft like most females. they're not slender, they're not short but they're kind of stubby, but not fatty or meaty. and I crack my knuckles, but not so much anymore, a lot so much when I was younger. and not to mention my odd trait that I've had all my life- they have a lot of lines on them, like an insane amount on the palms in every which way) And I have high arches, but that's not a bad thing. I say being flat footed is far worse, you can't dance ballet very well unless you work on it. And it kinda looks not very pretty. Well, to me at least. They're not ugly, but they're weird. They have no curves, as if there are no bones in them. Yes. So I've been wearing orthopedics ever since 6th grade. Yes, oh the glory of health issues. I do have heavy bones (big bones- not calling myself fat because I'm not, I'm saying when you match up your bones next to someone elses and they literally are bigger), but that's okay because I figure a less chance of early osteoporosis! Yay, go me for drinking vitamin D milk every single day in elementary school. Well, up until I hit 4th grade where I dared myself to try chocolate milk, and then it was all over from there. Chocolate milk is too legit to quit. 'Tis true.

Um, let's see what else. I know there are tons of which I am forgetting. It's been so long and my body has never been this strong and healthy before that I've forgotten the old problems that used to ail me as a child.

Oh, right. Can't forget about my routine headaches/migranes. They used to be worse when I was a child. I think it's due to my insomnia thingy that's on and off throughout my life. Every time I don't get enough rest I get headaches or feel sick like throwing up. If it happens for a prolonged period of time where I get no rest, then the waking up with migranes come until I get a sufficient amount of proper sleep. You body does in fact heal the most when you're in rest. That's what happens now. But when I was a kid, they would get so bad that I would throw up and light sensitivity was utterly horrible. Yeah, typical migrane symptoms my friends. Come to think of it, now that I am actually laying down my almost entire medical history, my body is surprisingly a lot better and healthier. I am actually in great shape and physical condition. (Well, sorta. As much as it can get and I'm in my fabulous young 20s.)

Mmkay right on to eyesight. I am near-sighted with a degree of -4.25 with qan astigmatism in my left eye. (started wearing classes in 3rd grade, it's a minor sacrifice to partake in the joys of extensive reading for leisure) The good thing is my eye sight hasn't changed or worsened in 3 years, so yay! Both are (were) the same degree, but my left eye astigmatism causes things to not look as clearly, so it's up to -4.50. (bleh, not so yay, but optometrist said that it's barely a difference. let's hope) However, lately I feel as though my eyesight has worsened. Things are not as clear sometimes and a bit blurry when I used to be able to see perfectly. I don't know if it's because of my chronic fatigue because I can't sleep at night anymore or that my eyesight really has worsening from the increase in my reading hobby and intensive studying I have taken up. (studying to be elaborated and shared with in due time, I have a written entry, but just haven't had the time or complete bravery to announce it just yet)

Well, I think that's all that I can think of for now. I don't have to even bring up the physicality in the unbalanced chemicals and hormones in my body right? You know, those that make me the crazy person I am and have to take crazy pills? Haha, okay but we all know that isn't solely from the cause of an imbalance but works with a combination of childhood psychological issues and experiences. Yes'm.

I've been thinking a lot about my health this year and last year ever since I hit past 21 years of age. (can you tell? haha) and I'm beginning to get scared that I won't make it. I hate my perfectionist nature. I seem to have this idea that once something is ruined, it's ruined forever and I'd do anything to get it back to its once pristine condition. But we all know that's never possible. Anyway, I'm working on how I'm going to speak to my physician and let him know that my state of minds are really worse than I let on and working on the ability/capability of asking for more help. I have I think a month or so to work up the courage, so hopefully when push comes to shove I won't be such a goddamn chicken shit and be too afraid to admit I have a real real problem. I think it's because once I tell an official official, than it's straight up on official record and thus really really officially proclaimed. Thus unable to avoid or deny anymore. Meh, life.