Little Red Book

Alright, brace yourselves- this is going to be a confusing one. 
So let's recap, I broke part of it down in Resufacing Loss Of Breath, first love and fling I am way over and don't feel a thing. The one and stephen, hits me with a bittersweet sentimental ache, but the two are definite closed chapters of my life I am done with and of which I never plan on revisiting and actually don't think about. Now, to add to the list of the ones worth mentioning, there has been my neighbor, vegas guy, guy friend from Definite Frightening Uncertainties, and then hawaii guy of whom I have never mentioned and finally have but only too briefly. In all honesty, vegas guy never warranted a mentioning, neither did guy friend or hawaii guy because they never even came close to getting that part of me of where I actually let my guard down. But nonetheless, my gullible and sucker heart let a small something in without my consent. But that's not the point of this entry.

It hit me extra hard today. And I've been meaning to write about this for quite some time now to get this off of my mind somehow.

I don't think I have ever really let my guard down, with any of these guys. I mean there have been times where I might've shared a bit of deep skeletal information about my history, but never really completely let my guard down.
Except I did with you, my neighbor, my should've been best friend. The one I let things get messy with.

I cut you out of my life, or at least I tried to. But you left me first.
We haven't spoken for I'd say 2 months. But I've thought about you almost every day. How pathetic that makes me sound doesn't it?
I showed you everything. I told you everything. I let you see me. I put everything down because you said you'd be there. I guess it got too hard. I let myself get clingy and attached; I hate that. But you were clingy first. What I want to know is why. I put too much on you and your shoulders when I shouldn't have. I know I made things messy and I'm sorry for that, but you left me. You wouldn't fight or put up effort to stay. How I wish you would just fight for something, anything. We're both emotionally handicapped. We both push people away when we get too close. I pushed you away first, then when I finally let you in. You pushed me away, and left.
I don't know if it's because you got scared or if you finally got what you wanted, you were then done with me- again.
I don't know what you're thinking, at all. But I wish I knew. I wish I knew the truth.
I believed that you cared, and I'm scared to believe and accept if you actually don't care at all. Okay, but this all still isn't the point of this entry.

Now that so much time has passed and I finally decide to slowly let you go. First I did that with the symbolic gesture of deleting your number completely from my address book. (though although I don't have your number completely memorized, I do know what it looks like and when it's you who texts me) A couple weeks ago I changed my domain name in hopes so you couldn't find this and read it if you ever thought about doing so. Or if you in fact actually did regularly as you revealed to me. I still cannot believe I completely let my guard down with you and told you about this- told you about everything. This blog is everything; it is the culmination of my damaged and irreparable being. And I gave it to you. I put my entire trust in you, but that was my fault. (no one ever really wants to know and see the real broken and messy truth) You actually made me feel safe for the first time ever since I became broken. I told you everything. I even told you I loved you- the person you are. Being in love and loving a person is different. I can't say if I was in love and I am not about to spend time contemplating that theoretical possibility. So let's just not.
I told you everything, but you never told me anything. You told me things, but never how you felt. Every time I would get close, we'd hit a wall and then you'd close up again. I know I did too, but I still fought to try. I needed to know all of that, but I was too scared to ask. Too scared to find out the truth of me really never meaning anything to you, anything different that set me apart from the rest of the people in your life.

Anyway, you texted me this past Saturday night when I was out, "Whatcha doing?" Like you always do, as if nothing had ever happened. Yet, maybe nothing has to you. I'm coming to a very harsh realization that maybe I never really meant anything after all, despite your best efforts to convince me otherwise in the beginning. But what about the end? You just quit. It was 12:47a.m., so technically Sunday, but let's not get technical. After all this time, I still knew it was you. I hate that.
I didn't respond. And I won't.
I don't know how I feel and whether or not I should let you back in. You can't keep coming back in and out of my life whenever you want and feel like it. You can't keep coming back after I've tried and am trying so hard to forget you. I don't want to repeat the same cycle over and over again. Before I let you in the last time, I was so fine without you. Until I believed you. And you broke me more than ever. It hurt and hurts so much more than it ever did. And now it hurts altogether collectively.

Yet here's the truth, I lied. I don't know if you could see right through my faithful facades or if you knew, but yes I still kept you at a distance. Always maintaining the 'friend' zone with you first and defending that, regardless if in fact we ended up kissing one another which eventually led to sex. Yet to finally admit, I was in denial. Denial is ultimately lying, even if you don't think you're lying at the time. I even instinctively believed what I was denying, but when time passes enough the mind often stirs and stirs trying to process and find resolution in confusing possible impossibilities. Okay, but this all still isn't the point.

The point is, I lied. I tried so hard to repress what I felt because I was and still am convinced that you will never ever feel that way about me and that I will always just be a friend to you. That you'll never think of me in that way with love. I tried so hard to break everything down and read the signs, but there are possibilities that both seem so plausible. I was and still am at a great loss of confusion. So I kept you constantly at best friends distance and letting you be aware of the friend zone in the way that people do it.
The truth?
I did want you. I wanted you to be my great possibility. I may still do, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here. I'm not about to open that door, not even a crack.
I know I said it would never work, and I'm still not sure if it will, but I would've loved to have tried.
But what I really want the most was the truth from you. For you to completely let your guard down and tell me the truth. It doesn't matter if it is just friends or something more. I just want to know, but I'm afraid I never will. Now I don't know what to do. I can't afford to care about you anymore if you're just going to keep on breaking me. I've loved you for about 9 years, before all the male influx disaster and tragedy. But you've never seen me. And I've accepted that and made the necessary adjustments after learning my lessons the hard way with you. I tried to protect myself from you each time you hurt me and manipulated my too nice and nurturing nature. Yet, I haven't been able to shake you from my mind either. The one time I finally succeeded, you pushed back into my life, convincing me that this time things were different, this last past time and shook it to what it is now, all cracked and broken.
As much as I want to, I do nothing right? because you do nothing.
What's wrong with me so much that I constantly am letting assholes treat me like shit, repeatedly. While the nice guys I kicked to the curb.

I'm shaking my head so seriously as I say this, I miss you. So much. And I'm afraid that you'll really forget about me and not come back, this time or ever.
I hate that. What the fuck am I thinking?