Lamentations

You just came to visit me at work. Before today, I hadn't seen you in I would say about 6 months. I swear I could have cut the tension with a sharp Japanese knife.

It hurts to not see or talk to you, and it hurts to be right next to you having these awkward conversations that we often do instead of saying the things we really want to say.

I miss you even when you're right next to me.

I don't even know what is on my mind right now. My mind wavers between idea and reality of what I think I want and what I want. Truth be told, I more often don't know what I want rather than am certain of what I want.

After seeing you, I am left with a bittersweet sensation.
I didn't want you to go.

But I am also in a huge dilemma with myself.
I can't stand how bad you are with your phone. I really can't. It drives me even more crazy than I already am. And that is what makes me lose my confidence. That is what keeps up the walls I have formed to protect myself. That is what makes me think that I may not really be all that important to you as you say I am.

We always beat around the bush and speak around the words we try to communicate.

The worst part is that I don't even know what is real. I don't even know how you really feel. All that I have is the enormous weight of intuition that continuously circulates in my brain.

I always carry that fear with me that I think too much of our relationship and that you really don't think the same way and in fact think less. Though you've told me before almost the same sentiments that I have told of you about being that special person in the back of your mind, but I feel like my convictions have been more communicated. Even if you don't believe them.

And I'm scared your feelings are really just merely platonic. Because mine are not.

I want more with you. I want to be with you. I want a chance.

I can't just be your friend.

But given all of the difficult circumstances and major complications we have, I feel like I'll never get that chance. I know I messed up my chance in the beginning, and then you got a girlfriend 3 years ago of whom you're still with as to this way. But, I've been patiently waiting 4 years for you. And I'm still waiting. Sometimes when I don't even know it, I am waiting for you.

If you only really knew.

My fear is that you do know, but that you're really not interested. I've given you many opportunities. Either that or you're just too scared to let yourself become vulnerable. Actually no, that is true, because we're almost exactly the same in our aspects of fear of vulnerability and barriers of defense mechanisms. And I am really scared that I am way overestimating your emotions for me and that this is all in my head. Am I missing something? I know I can't be that stupid.

You see? I really don't know what to believe. And as we were in such close proximity to each other, I found myself insanely not able to look you dead in the eyes as you do in mine. When you look at me I feel like you see me. Almost like I see myself through your eyes. And I guess that scares me too.

So we just end up trying to fill in the awkward spaces the tension creates with filler conversation as I fall even deeper with you into the realm of impossibility.