So after a Saturday of drunken resolute determinism, I am ready to put it all behind me again. There's nothing like a good chosen waste-fest to jumpstart you into forgetting everything and move even further forward.
On another rational note though,
I really need to stop the drinking (and the smoking to boot). I know that already. I'm slowly killing my body with these demons and I know it. I know. I really need to get my shit together and gain some self-control. I've never been good at that since I'm expert at impulse execution and compulsive immediate self-gratification. But I need to work on accumulating self-discipline and being good before I really and finally bury myself in the deep hole I have dug myself in.
I need to get my shit together. I have to, there is no other choice in the matter. It's as if I am going backwards in all the growing up I have done. I've become even more reckless and careless than ever before and less responsible. (it also sets me back on the progress I make with the anti-depressants) This has to stop.
I want it to. If I want to get better, I need to take the necessary steps and precautions.
Brace yourself for frustration then progressed anger 101.
You know it's bad when you're parents who have always trusted your judgments feel the need to step in and tell you that you need to grow up and embrace your responsibilities. I know, sounds horrible doesn't it? But that's the asian way, sacrifices and maturing quickly.
But you know it's really bad when the father of whom has never been around asks to talk to you the day he has to go out of the country for work. And thus sits you down to speculate on the friends you surround yourself with. (even though I am the worst influence out of all of them, but they don't know that)
You know it's bad when they tell you that the marks that keep appearing on my fair skin need to stop. That they don't know what's going on with me, but they just know it needs to stop. (thanks parentals)
You know it's bad when they have begun to assume that there's some real gangster thuggery going on because that's the only thing that seems to make sense to them when they see my scars, when really there isn't anything at all like that and they just don't want to choose to understand the truth of the pain I bear in my chest constantly of which I feel the urge to physically do something about. (but I don't want them to know 'cause it would only hurt them) Nobody ever really wants to know because no one can really handle true mess nor do they actually want to invest all that consideration.
Anyway, can you believe that shit though? He actually thought I was cutting myself, just as how some dare each other for fun with cigarette burns, to see who can out do one another- like just for the fun hell of it, uh no sorry wrong conclusion. It goes way deeper than that. Fuck I can't even get all the words out to explain my anger. Anger at the fact that they'll never be able to understand because the disconnect is too great. So fucking angry at all the things I can't change and all the things I cannot find resolution for.
None of this makes sense, but I had to get it out. But now that it's out, I have gone from calm to fucking unnerved. I feel the need to scream at all this bullshit absurdity with all the angry I bear. All the frustrating haze of sadness and anger is so fucking bottled up. I want to scream at everything and I just want everything to leave me the fuck alone. All this is such ridiculous bullshit.
I just want to live my life without anyone having a judgmental and nagging say about anything. I will get my shit together, but I want everyone to just leave me alone. I feel like everything is just pulling me in every which way filling me more and more with frustrating anxiety and actual anger (yeah, I've just defined an emotion let's fucking celebrate) that it's actually making everything worse with all the pressure I feel and that I know I put on myself for god knows what reason 'cause I haven't got a clue- fucking ingrained Chinese ancient ideologies.
I just want to live my life without any of the bullshit I have to deal with- without having to hear anything about the things I do. The more you oppose, it only makes me want to do just the thing you're against and rage it even harder to make it worse. That's how I work, I have a very specific and different way of handling my life. I don't like being told things because I'll just take more pleasure in doing the opposite of what you want me to do. I don't like doing what everyone else does or following suit and trend. I don't like being all the same. Everyone just needs to stop telling me what and who I should be and how I should be. Just let me live my life and get through this in my own way because that's how I work. I'm trying. (and I'm calm now) That's the only thing that should matter at this point right?
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I have recently stopped smoking and drinking simply because it was giving me bad skin and making my mouth taste nothing but dry and awful.
I know what you mean by trying to get yourself together in your own way and time and wanting everyone to just leave you the hell alone.
People sometimes just don't understand when a girl wants to be left alone. . . and about the scar thing, I have very fair skin too and I often get scars on my arms and bruises on my legs and people instantly think I'm trying to hurt myself. The constant surveillence from everybody drives me mad and the 'baby' voice talk when they talk to me drives me mad.
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