Day1 All Over Again

If at first you don't succeed, you fucking keep trying. No matter how chaotic shit stirs.

So, I finally got a refill on my prescription meds today after visiting my physician yesterday. (I had hit up the pharmacy yesterday, but they were out of stock and told me they had to reorder and to come back the next day. haha can you believe that? They were in fact out of stock, just how popularly consumed is this stuff? I mean in my stubborn Asian community so used to struggling) But yes, finally and thank god indeed.

I took the time released capsule immediately in my car after I picked them up. And I have to say, I don't know if it's a minor placebo effect because surely shit doesn't happen that quickly (or does it?), but on the drive home after work, with after work Marlboro in left hand, I realized just how much better and hopeful I fully felt already. I know I always document my emotions of highs and lows and it is a tedious, vicious, and cyclic pattern, but emotions are inconstant, familiar, and are what they are. 
Anyway, it honestly felt like the best cigarette of my life aside from when you're on drugs and smoke. Kind of felt great like that haha. But it could be the drugs- it most likely is. But I'm not going to fight it if I'm actually supposed to and allowed to take it. It ain't a gateway drug homies, it's so much better.

It's like I began to feel actually level and so fully not trapped. I don't seem to feel stuck right now and rather I can breathe- but it's different. I feel normal. It's great. It's a strange tingly feeling of a different lightness. Not the elated euphoric manic temporary bright high, but a normal and grounded easiness of amazing normalcy and balance. Considering how I went to bed with a great pain in my chest and a great desire to sob endlessly, I would say this is an incredible vast improvement. It's like a something really has been restored effectively rather than just half-assly with the great probability of relapse.

I mean, I finally realized, a couple weeks after I stopped and ran out of my meds, just how effective they actually were in contrast to how my state of mind was when I was taking them. (I'm sure you all have seen it through the chaotic entries of which have been posted) Although I felt like they weren't working, I have to admit- they were. Huzzah to the success and execution of consistency. Consistency is a thing of which I innately and instinctively fight but is what I genuinely and secretly really long for and need.

It's so strange, I'm trying to make sense of it. Is the difference really in the medication? I want to say yes, but I don't want to fall into my natural sheltered foolishness.
I have to confess, I didn't want to wake up today, but the only thing that got me out of bed was knowing that I could pick up my meds and that I could finally be back on track to getting better and my shit together again. I think the difference is in the medication. I was skeptical when I first began 6 months ago, but after a break away, I am now at a different conclusion and possess a different perspective. Things really did get worse when I started not taking the Wellbutrin XL consistently and things got even more worse when I ran out and went without.

I actually feel like a door has been opened, but not just one- many. Haha and an hour ago is when I began to feel the usual initial side effects of when you first start. But I just have to ride it out. Feel a bit nauseated and have a stomachache, but it's not too bad. Then again I have only taken one- but I do know what to expect now and I am fully prepared to embrace the better and recovering fate of my well-being.