Unbelievable Part Deux

I am almost at a real loss from words and the numbness is beginning to settle all over me. And then I'm over it. (Really, if it wasn't for my ability to be so resilient and really discard things from my mind after full process of evaluation and ultimate resolution. I'm so grateful for my own ability to try to see the brighter side of things and remain positive. I would be even a greater mess without it. Great recovery skills at that haha.)

Everyone wonders why I keep my life so private from them. They wonder why I don't seem to share my personal life and sentiments with them.

It's because every time I do, my exact fears become even more prominent and are proven true. (I have major major abandonment issues, of which I am not proud of but they do stem from deep rooted issues from childhood so you can't fault me there.)
Disappointment soon follows with hurt from being the one to overestimate the valued importance of a friendship. Being at the wrong end of any relationship sucks.

This is why I keep myself so closed off. This is why I would rather be by myself because if you're by yourself to begin with then you don't face any false hopes or expectations that can later sting you with a disappointing follow through that can either make you or break you. (In my case, break you to start the re-ascending back into the dark place. My dark place.)

And I was right to.

You know the couple posts that I wrote in tribute to my great friend that I had? The friend that I put my trust in because I thought that she would never treat me the way other people have? My blog has become of great importance to me because it's the one space where I can think freely with the braveness anonymity through pseudonym gives me without having to fear judgment because the people in my life are not privy to these dark thoughts. And I chose to write about her a couple times in gratitude for helping me with my fragile and unstable state of mind such as in the entries Uplifted Gratitude and Irate Fury Extinguishing And Post Thought Semiotics. For me to reach out like this as to include her in the archiving of my emotional life is a very big feat for me. And to be honest, after the series of events that have happened after such a sort period of time of a weekend I will have to admit that this is the same friend of whom I chose to rant about in Unbelievable.

Where do I even begin? I don't even know what happened. I don't even know where to begin. My emotions are just a big circulating cloud filled with at first hurt, then to be succeeded by trying patience, then finishing with frustrating anger and then ultimately happy and consensual filtering out after realizing the degradation from treatment of the other and the brutally and truthful revealing fact that I don't need this at all. (Mind you this is all with an air of confusion thrown into every corner but ultimately coming to a cathartic conclusion.)

But I can tell you, for me, there is a certain point where I stop trying. I really do hate how I can never just NOT be the bigger person. It's rooted in my blood from my mother for I know how good-hearted she is and thus with a good heart follows life long vulnerability that results in perpetual pain.

I have tried all that I could have in this friendship. I have given my all. I am the kind of person that believes in trying to make something work until it absolutely cannot anymore. And when it can't I absolutely cut all ties to move forward and start a new. (I don't like going backwards or going in any motion resembling the past remember?)

This weekend I swallowed my pride and humiliated myself by stooping so low as to maniacally try to reach contact that would resemble stalker status. (Trust me, not one of my finer moments. But with a passionate personality in terms of importance in life, I hope it's understandable and forgiven) I guess I haven't completely lost my will for upright and immediate confrontation to solve a problem. Fight or flight right? I would rather solve something immediately so that I can put it out of my mind because I hate having things in the back of my mind. But doesn't anyone?

Now that I have had time to process everything. I can honestly say, I am okay now. Actually more than okay and I am never going to put myself in that situation ever again. I don't ever want to be subject to that impossible and immature drama ever again. I don't need it in my life. I have lived too hard to become the person I am today with my own standards in decorum to resort to having to deal with anything I initially would never have dealt with had it not been for a friend of significance. (that's my problem, I'm too empathetic and thus a push over and it needs to stop. Believe me I'm trying, but it's harder than it seems.) So I am done with it. I've been told that I need to value myself more and to know what I'm worth. And it's true. I need to value myself and understand that I shouldn't be treated that way with such disrespect after really trying. Really, I have said it time and time again, how can people knowingly be so cruel with no moral conscience or guilt to try to guide them? Shouldn't a person receive some compassion toward their good intentions? Yeah, but the fucked up world doesn't see it as so. The world fucks you, and then when it's done, it fucks you all over again.

I am not saying she's a terrible person or a bad friend at all. As I have once stated, she was actually one of the best friends I have ever had. But what I am saying is that people should not treat people cruelly the way that they do. It's just not right. It's morally not right to treat some one badly whether it be out of passive aggression just because you feel like you've been wronged or for any other reason. It's not right to behave like that. I look at certain people and I think, what kind of person are you to behave in such a way and how can people really be like that? Maybe I believe too much in common courtesy, etiquette and mutual respect between people. (I probably do, no, I do.) The world shouldn't be like that and we're old enough to be able to know and understand concepts and notions. That's the thing, We're old enough to know. Things should be looked at at different angles rather than just one. Hence my loathing for my environment, but that's a different story neither here nor there.

And thus,
I am over trying. I've given all that I could have and I've nothing left to give. All to try to salvage a very important friendship, at least in my opinion, that I cherished. I've lost my dignity in the process of the weekend. But now I'm taking it back. I did want to still be the bigger person and try, but I am thus making myself pathetic in the process and I won't do it anymore. (God I really do feel pathetic after reflecting over my behaviour, but not anymore now that I am coming back to myself) So I'm done with this. There is only so much patience a person can have and only so much a person can try and give. So I'm walking away.

The thing is, I'll most definitely without a doubt be okay, but will you?

It's such a shame for the loss of something great, but you keep moving forward.

I feel much better and that a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Amazing thing the process of "cleaning out," whether it be figuratively or literally, can do to a person to make them feel new again. Haha I know, I'm full on twisted right? People hate how I can never go backwards, but personally, I love it. It makes me feel brand new and fresh again to be ready for new possibility and opportunity. And tomorrow I know I will wake up lighthearted and start a new day. Cheers lovers, hope everyone is having a fantastic day.