Save Me, Please

It seems to be back again and I couldn't hate it any more. I can only hope that me writing my feelings down will help to serve as an emotional catharsis and that I will eventually feel better, for "paper is more patient than man", even if this is in fact technically what I call virtual paper. I need my self preservation and resiliency back and to kick in full force for they seem to be seriously slacking off.
And despite my strong efforts for prevention to try and remain happy and in my own world, I feel like I am drowning, again.
And that I'm completely powerless to stop it.

As much as I hate to admit this, for the past couple of days I have been walking around in an aching daze where I just feel like crying. Usually I can try to keep these feelings at bay by running away as fast as I can without looking back (merely continuing to move forward), but I just can't seem to shake the strengths of my ever-present worries. It's as if the walls are closing in on me. I am gray, angry and frustrated all at the same time all the time. I feel like crying for anything and everything and I don't know why. I wish it would just go away. I don't know why the slightest mishap seems to trigger melancholy. I want to cry for the things I can't change and wish I could in my past and my present life. I want to cry from the things that are irrelevant to my life but make me sad either way. I want to cry for my feared future. I want to cry for the pain created by my unrelenting worries for my family. I want to cry for how so utterly alone I feel all the time. I want to cry for my vulnerable feeling of just wanting to feel safe. I want to cry for my desire to just be held. I want to cry for just wanting a tangible someone to be there for me. I hate that I want to be comforted. For me the pain feels almost unbearable, I say the world almost because it is what has to be endured seeing as bottled up emotions often tend to have no outlet. The pain begins from my center (being my heart naturally) and radiates outward in waves through my limbs to reach my fingertips and down to my toes.

I have woken up for the past two days completely hurting and no amount of self indulgence in my passions, that have enabled me happy for so long, have been able to take away the excruciating pain. Everything and anything seems to afflict me and rest its troubles on my burdened shoulders leaving me with an immensely saddening consciousness. I wish I didn't care so much about anything. I wish I didn't feel so much with my heart. My whole body hurts and even the comfort of crawling up into a ball on my bed doesn't seem to be helping any. I wish I was on some form of medication; anything to take my troubles away.

I never thought I'd ever say this but,
I really just want to give up; everything is becoming just too damn hard. I want to stop time. I just want everything to stop. What's the fucking point anymore?
But I can't because of the turmoil it would bring my parents. And if I stop then that would only fuck up my future aspirations even more. Great. Ambitions in life that only lead you to become even further trapped.

I do feel slightly better after my hot bath that I had just taken tonight. (Whenever I am feeling shitty I feel like a hot soak just helps) But the lingering effects of my gray emotions still have presence. I can only hope that this unbearable lonely sinking goes away soon because seriously, I could really do without it.

I want the warm and fuzzies and random smiles to just come back already.