This Is Probably Bad..

Is it?

Two heavy words, Suicidal thoughts.
And I am ashamed to have finally admitted it.

I'm drowning and I can't save me.

My faith in mankind is wavering. Usually I can ignore it, but lately it really has just been entirely too much. It really probably is the person I am.

I am the kind of person who can't help but believe in the best of people. Who can't help but still hold on the to faith of mankind to be good. I am the kind of person who tries to strive to my own best potential. The kind of person who wants to be the b est person they can be. And when I see people who seem to be the very opposite and don't care, I have to be honest, it hurts. And I don't know why.

I feel like the weight of the huge burden of those who have no conscience and are entirely okay with being a bad person sink into me so entirely so much that often times I cannot stand or bear it.

My heart hurts with knowing the state of mankind is so degenerated and at times really hopeless.
I believe in the greater good of people and I really do hate my personality. My personality is one that continues to be good everyday regardless of the immense crap life seems to represent.

I believe in transcendence and existentialism. I believe in the progress of improving one's self for the purpose of just complete and utter beneficial greatness it can possibly achieve.

Why wouldn't one want to be the best person they can be? Why would you want to be such a horrible person.

I hate that I am so empathetic. I hate that I feel so much of the emotions of others and that it ultimately weighs down on my chest to affect me in such a great way. It almost makes me really want to give up.

It is taking my greatest will to really not just ram my car right into a wall as I speed up to 90 miles an hour on the hectic freeway of southern California.

That's bad isn't it? To want to hurt myself so badly because I can't possibly take any more of the cruelty of society.

Why would I rather hurt myself as a means to solve everything?
I guess because it's easier. It is easier to begin with myself than even try to subtly enlighten the minds of others.

(I try everyday at night not to make another cut into my flesh in hopes of relieving the pain I feel inside me)

It just hurts so much.
I become just so affected and hurt by the misfortunes of others so immediately and easily.
And it really sucks. I wish it wasn't like that.

I try so hard not so shed my own blood everyday that it is becoming way too difficult to not even think about it. And I hate how I tend to think about it almost every moment of the day.

I wish I were a different person who was not so bothered and affected by the triviality of the world.
But I am. Which makes it all the more difficult to continue living.

Why do I have to be like that?
It just hurts so bad thinking about how others can just live their lives so cruelly without any guilt to their own conscious and person as a whole.

And in truth, I really am sorry that I think this way because this is not how life is supposed to be.
This is such bullshit.