Befuddlement

I don't know why, but I do still feel sad and want to cry sometimes, even if there is nothing wrong, in terms of hindering, in my life. Throughout my moments of sunshine, there is always this underlying factor that is ever-present and always seeps through to return to me. Right now is one of those times. I really hate whenever this happens because I feel so lost and alone when I consider myself very strong and independent. It just suddenly strikes me out of no where and sadness all wrapped up in hurt and confusion descend into my chest to radiate throughout my entire body as if I can feel it in my fingertips. I think it is because I am lonely. I want someone there for me, like in the way of an intimate relationship and all that. Yet at the same time, I'm too scared to open myself up in that way again. I literally see myself running in the opposite direction at any occasion of opportunity rather than embracing it as I would have in the past. I find myself not able to let myself become fully engaged to allow myself to have a chance of something. I feel like I have closed myself off for so long that it's all too frightening to open up again in that way. I have changed so much and have allowed myself to become affected by the scars in my hurtful past. I feel like I am just too damaged to be able to ever be fully happy and complete. And that I just don't fit in with the real bright and shiny people in the world who don't have to fake that everything is alright. I know, ridiculous right? I am only 21 and still so young. How does that even happen? That we all become so damaged so early in this fast-paced messed up generation of today and yet there are some people out there who actually are not even close to being bruised. They are the lucky ones, while we have had the misfortune to not be. I've never been a lucky person. In fact, I have often had the worst luck. I suppose it goes hand in hand with my insanely clumsy demeanor. I'm just too different, and I know it. I have always felt it ever since I was a child. I can literally see the huge discrepancies in myself and other people.

I don't know. I want so much more for myself, but ultimately I'm just too pathetically scared. I'm too scared to put myself out there again for the immediately disappointment and downfall to come. I feel like something is wrong with me that I just can't find someone. Everyone I know is able to find someone and everywhere I see people have someone. I know everything comes down to timing, and for a girl who is always in wanting of love, I sure do get a lot of opportunities. But that's the thing, they are just merely opportunities and are never able to transfer into something real. I don't understand why guys don't see me like that. It almost counters my skewed self confidence to make me feel like something is so wrong with me. It makes me ask myself all the time, what is so wrong with me?

Truthfully, I want to be wooed and chased. I want to feel wanted and I want to be spoiled. I want to be the girl who is pursued because I am special. I have never felt that and I guess that's what I am waiting for. For a long time now I have finally understood that I deserve so much more and I now refuse to settle. And I am proud of myself for finally understanding my worth and not getting involved with guys who treat me like shit or allowing them to treat me like shit. But it does get lonely waiting for the right guy. I want the dream. I have already tried the unconventional way and that didn't work. I am a good girl at heart and am ideally old fashioned in courting aspects. I want the dream. I just hope it happens for me one day for I feel it it never will. And that scares the hell out of me.