Constant Wind-Like Discourses In The Cosmic Spaces Of My Mind

I may have divulged this many times before, but who knows. I know I have stayed silent, or more so have become silenced. But I feel like if I don't archive something down, some sense of my own sentiments, that everything will completely pass me by and that I'll cease to really exist anymore or possess my voice.

I go about my daily routines by merely going through the motions and just waiting for the day to be over with so that I can return to the sanctuary and security of my own room where I can enjoy the leisure of my own solitude.

It's like my fire, the "hard gem-like fire" (let's quote Baudelaire shall we?) that I have always burned with has completely diminished to a sort of dissipated smoke nothingness. It's like I am now just a shell of my body that just merely exists and is completely lacking in any passions or wit or even spirit that I was once entirely filled with an endless supply of that made up my entire soul and being.

I'm afraid that it's gone. I'm scared that I'll never get back to who my true self was.
I am greatly terrified that the vivacious, extroverted, confident, bright, and optimistic person, who I once embodied and was so proud of, has disappeared. My compositions in my classes I feel have even been lacking.

I don't know where I have gone to, but I'm not me anymore.
And I don't know what frightens me more, the fact that as of now I kind of really could care less and would rather dwell in my numbed ghostliness, or that my nonchalance could even chase my very being away into oblivion so that it completely slips away.

There are days that are better than others. And days that are worse where I would rather sleep in all day so that at least my unconscious mind will be free of my own scars and aches to be replaced by the beautiful impossibilities that tempt me to sleep forever. And if it weren't for the dehydrated headaches I get from forcing 12+ hour continual sleep, I would sleep myself into submission.

I crave the beauty the world has to offer, yet am in no position to pursue.