Irate Fury Extinguishing And Post-Thought Semiotics

Okay, so I had the intention of filling up this entry with words and words of fury and free flowing ranting, but I became detained by a conversation I decided to engage in instead. (And I am actually quite thankful for it) As of now I actually do feel quite a bit lighter and indeed the seriously enraging smoke that was completely overwhelming me has quickly become extinguished through the too fortunate form of ranting with one of my very best friends. Coincidentally this friend is the one I had sort of wrote a tribute to in the entry Uplifted Gratitude. In any case, I still wanted to archive my thoughts virtually and thought that a copy and pasting of our conversation would be not only easier for me, (for after I have been brought down to level ground and lost my fury, I feel no need and no want to have to repeat my sentiments for the very apparent reason of preferring not to relive my past emotions, I'm sure you very well understand) but also kind of fun to see things from the perspectives of conversation form. Haha or at least me and my genius friends natural conversation form.

Some background information. I had texted her via cellular of course, followed by her immediate response, and then following up with conversing online instead seeing as her data plan allowed for simultaneous usage.

So here it is (naturally with the alteration of names for pseudonyms):
jane: heyy
jane: i'm going to type here if that's okay
jane: it's faster
jane: than my phone
ashley h: Go for it dear.
jane: okay
ashley h: What's going on?
jane: i get that's he's tired and cranky
jane: but seriously i've learned (the hard way) that it's NOT okay to take it out on other ppl
jane: it's like he's changed into a person that i have seriously known to come to loathe
jane: he's become one of those bitter self centered remorseless guys
jane: at least towards me
jane: because obviously the only person he can take it out on is me because he feels the more superior given our ages
jane: which in no way reflects our true selves
jane: ugh okay so last nite his bitch of a selfish gf wakes up him at 2am by phone call
jane: mind you my brother wakes up around 4-5am everyday
jane: he stands up for himself "i need to wake up in 2 hrs" but does she care no?
jane: so she ends up coming over
jane: and i was going to say something but it's none of my business but i care about his health
jane: whatevers
ashley h: Ok...
jane: okay so he comes home tonite late
jane: which is fine
jane: god it's so stupid
ashley h: No its not
jane: my parents are looking for this dvd that he had borrowed from the collection
jane: my extended family is here
jane: they came down here to hang out
jane: or hang out with the older cousins
ashley h: Sometimes the most insignifigant things are the biggest deal
jane: me and possibly my brother if he still cared enough to come around
jane: thank you for that dear
jane: okay
ashley h: Ok, continue
jane: so he ends up not being able to find it
jane: and comes in
jane: and i'm just standing there
jane: and i swear
jane: i just made a suggestion
jane: in the softest most helpful voice EVER
jane: it was just a random suggestion with no vindictive motive or anything
ashley h: What did you say?
jane: i said something like oh well perhaps it was accidentally misplaced
jane: i mean even my tone of voice was completely just helpful
ashley h: You heartless bitch!
jane: i know right!
jane: we were all just being nice and considerate
ashley h: What did he say/do?
jane: and then he says something
jane: he reacted badly with attitude
jane: and i swear
jane: loosely translated
jane: he was sort of irate
jane: lately all he's been doing is seriously "raging"
jane: so he said something in a huff
ashley h: What did he say?
jane: something like
jane: "I DON'T FUCKING KNOW ALRIGHT GODDAMNIT I ALREADY CHECKED"
jane: and i was just thinking
jane: woah were the fuck is all this hostility coming from
jane: what the fuck did i do to you
jane: seriously
jane: when last nite we were fine
jane: time well spent with family
jane: he said something
jane: and i was like
jane: okay relax i didn't say anything bad
jane: and he just BLEW UP
jane: i told him
jane: it wasn't meant to offend
jane: i was just trying to be helpful
jane: that's what i said
jane: and he just BLEW UP
jane: i swear he needs to see a psychoanalyst more than i do
jane: i swear he just blew up
ashley h: Is that possible?
jane: was like what the hell is your problem
jane: blah blah blah
jane: and i was like
jane: dude
ashley h: What did his blow up consist of?
jane: i didn't say anything bad to you or meant anything behind it
jane: why do you always have to get so defensive
jane: i swear everything i say
ashley h: And did any of your family hear it.
jane: he takes it SO SO SO DEFENSIVELY
jane: when in the tone of voice it's obviously not supposed to be taken that way
jane: EVERYONE HEARD IT
jane: i mean i'm trying to help him
ashley h: Oh.... how did everyone react?
jane: but all he ever does is take what i say so defensively
ashley h: Yeah, you are (trying to help)
jane: and he'll by all means NEVER listen to what i have to say
jane: regardless of my experience
ashley h: And did you argue back or were you calm?
jane: i was trying to be calm
jane: and i'd say i was calm
jane: until he started of course being nasty
ashley h: Yeah
jane: i was calm and trying to get him to listen
jane: he doesn't hear things
jane: i was just like dude it wasn't meant to be taken so defensively
jane: and he just blew up like what the fuck blah blah
jane: and then i heard him walk out and say something like you're such a bitch
jane: and i'm like
jane: FOOL I'M YOUR FUCKING SISTER
jane: he left
jane: i let it go
jane: because my parents were there
jane: but i'm like how can you say this shit
ashley h: Yeah
jane: doesn't he have any consideration or concern for family
jane: and how it possibly pains them more than he?
jane: you know?
jane: that's what i mean
jane: he has no regard for anything
jane: and i was talking to my parents
jane: because now i was irate
jane: naturally to be very upset about lack of propriety
jane: anyways
ashley h: so, do you think that's what you are truly upset about (that he has no consideration for your familial values)
jane: i was talking to them like how can he speak to someone like that
jane: no
ashley h: And what did they say?
jane: i'm most upset that that is the person he has become
jane: and it's a serious detriment
jane: because now my brother is an asshole
jane: no one wants that
jane: okay of course
jane: my completely just
jane: i don't want to say insipid because that's mean
jane: but naive isn't the right word either
jane: but
ashley h: Insipid is an excellent word choice
jane: of course my incomprehensible father who doesn't understand shit
jane: but doesn't realize it and therefore compensates by making shit up
jane: that he fully thinks he's right
jane: but he isn't
ashley h: Yeah, incomprehensible is so much better
jane: okay
jane: but
ashley h: Yeah
jane: of course he's like
jane: making up excuses for him
jane: and i'm like
jane: WHAT IS THIS
jane: FUCKING DUMBASS MALE SPECIES
jane: why are they all like that?!
jane: ESPECIALLY ASIAN MEN
jane: goddamn
jane: making up excuses saying shit like "oh serves you right for provoking him when he's tired and coming back from work"
jane: DUDE THAT'S NOT EVEN THE POINT
jane: you just don't treat any human being like that!
ashley h: How did your mom react?
jane: my mom was more understanding
jane: but also making up excuses
jane: "he's tired
jane: i could see it from the moment he walked in that he wasn't right
jane: he must've had a fight with his gf/ ex gf (whatever) again
jane: blah blah blah"
jane: my dad's always like "you shouldn't have provoked him blah blah"
ashley h: Did you end up throwing a shoe at your parents in rage?
jane: and i'm like DUDE DID YOU NOT HEAR THE SAME CONVERSATION AS I?
jane: i mean god my dad
jane: sometimes the way he treats women is so fucking disgraceful
jane: like seriously he's living in ancient china times
jane: and that they have no credibility or significance
jane: they're just there to pick up the slack and do the shit men don't want to do
jane: my mom was more understanding
jane: she was like i know but right now is not the time
jane: and i understand that
jane: i mean i wasn't going to go after him obviously
jane: and i made my point and spoke to her
ashley h: Obvs
jane: (i had to, i was PISSED)
jane: and you know i hate saying the word pissed
ashley h: No, but now I do
jane: it's vulgar slang which i hate
jane: oh okay
jane: anyways
ashley h: Have you heard you speak sometimes?
jane: no i mean
ashley h: Verbal digressions aside...
jane: if you want to be vulgar be as vulgar as you want
jane: i just HATE the word piss
ashley h: Continue
jane: it's so ugly
jane: you know i hate ugly sounding words
jane: so i try to avoid them
jane: but fuck is not as ugly as piss
jane: okay but we digress
jane: anyway
jane: she understood
jane: i just told her what i told you about how i felt
jane: that he's just become this angry person all the time who won't listen to anyone
jane: how can you honestly think that it's okay to treat people like that
jane: to say these seriously abusive things
ashley h: Yeah
ashley h: Are you feeling a bit better now?
jane: yes i am
jane: thank you so much
jane: i turned on my computer and was like
jane: I'M GOING TO BLOG
ashley h: Not a problem dear
jane: hahaaha
jane: but then i first texted you
ashley h: Hahaha
jane: and this is better
ashley h: Trend whore
jane: i'm thinking about just copying and pasting our conversation
ashley h: Thankls
ashley h: When I read your blog
jane: with the censoring of sn's though
jane: hahaaha
ashley h: And you writing
ashley h: About something non related
jane: ?
jane: hahahaha
jane: yes
ashley h: I am gonna laugh
jane: yah
jane: but jeez
jane: it's just
jane: it at the same time makes me feel bad just for his well being
ashley h: C/P the conversation is slacker status
ashley h: That's really good that you care about him
jane: i hate that i'm the kind of person who feels bad for the villian or underdog all of the time
jane: well he's my brother
ashley h: But truthfully you need to focus on YOU
jane: i feel like he's lost his way
jane: yeahh
jane: but i've done enough evaluating and reevaluating to know enough
jane: or to understand the way i act
ashley h: Because uh... you aren't quite stable enough to focus on other's mental health
jane: for now at least
jane: yeah true
jane: but it doesn't make me care any less
ashley h: fine, if you wanna be all sentimental about it
jane: haahaha
jane: meh
jane: i just wish that he could see the bigger picture
jane: i mean it seriously pains me
jane: you know relating to the reason why my faith in mankind is seriously diminishing
jane: how do people become like that
ashley h: Well, he eventually will realize that you care about him
jane: where they just stop
jane: and refuse to see any other perspective but their own
ashley h: He's just at that inherently male douchey stage
jane: people get so blinded
jane: yeah ugh i hate that
jane: people get so blinded and caught up
jane: like they lose themselves
jane: and what is just good for the human soul you know?
jane: lol (i know i'm reaching but blah)
jane: i just can't comprehend cruel people
jane: that's all
ashley h: That's not reaching
jane: i wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror
ashley h: You are just being existenmtial
jane: if i were cruel without remorse
jane: yessss
jane: and sometimes transcendental
ashley h: Do you truly think he doesn't have remorse?
ashley h: (Hahaha)
jane: i don't know
jane: but
jane: how can you say these things and not feel bad
jane: or just pretend it never happened
ashley h: Maybe he was just pissed and being douchetastic, like he still cares?
jane: yeah but goddamnit
jane: i'm his sister
jane: like he's lost all of his values

It's like he's turned into this bitter, horrible, and always angry person. How can that be good for the mind, body, and soul of a human being? (Look at my inescapable existential and transcendental ideals and passions showing)

Okay, so you see, that is pretty much the gist of it all and you can clearly see why I love this girl. We've known each other for I would say about almost a year now and I can honestly say that she has seriously helped me in more ways than most of my friends, or shall I say "friends" because what really is a friend anyway for my theory that friends are fleeting is applied here, who I have known for about 7-10 years have ever really helped me.

Anyway back to my case and point, this entire conversation I would have to say almost completely embodies my theories, ideals, values of propriety, or whatever makes up the person I am to want to become the best possible person I can be for my own mind and soul. I feel like such a different speck out of the billions of people out there, but I am entirely okay with it. I actually take pride in the fact that I am different. The issue is the immense difficulty of finding the right kind of friends and people who can be on the same level as me and gauge my interest to connect on a greater wavelength. I meet people all of the time and can see that they are completely caught up and blinded by what society has shaped them to become. People live without such passion and notion of beauty in the "true world" (as I would call it) that I seek to find everyday. The sad thing is, that if you even try to share these matters and incorporate them into discussion to try to form some sort of insightful connection, most people can't even seem to understand and fall back on their insecure naive defense mechanism ways to ultimately form skewed perceptions of something definitely not preferred. They don't understand that I am simply just speaking out loud and they take it as a form of me being "emo" when clearly I am not exuding any form of depression at that moment. Naturally as a defense mechanism people tend to shy away from the things that are unknown and queer (as the intellectuals know that queer does not just mean homosexual, so pick up a theory book for you ignorant fools who are almost proud so announce that they don't read) and further overcompensate by a fight or flight approach.

It's sort of upsetting because I look at people and I don't know how the human race (or at least the ones in Southern California from the location that I inhabit, I definitely cannot speak for everyone but of course can speak for my environment) has become shallow people that reach a certain age and just stop growing as a person. Or I could just have a problem with the entire human race in general haha. Yet, people become rooted in their notions when it is an obvious ideology that people never stop growing and learning. How did this happen to us? (Okay that is a loaded question all in itself haha which for the sake of you, the readers who I do have and am appreciative to, I won't get into that ideological argument)

It's easy to tell how big of an issue I have with people, but I do admit that I am definitely an imperfect person as well with an endless supply of flaws, but the difference is that I try to develop into something better. Many people just don't care or are not aware enough. Cruel people just bother me in general. How can you not care about whether you are a good person? Personally, it's probably just my too empathetic personality, but I just would not be able to live with myself knowing that I did cruel things. The regret and remorse would pain me as the things in my past that I am definitely not proud of still pain me to this day. I am the kind of person who will yell at someone out of flustered sparked rage and then feel bad about it later and apologize. I can't be an asshole though I would love to. It's just not who I am meant to be a suppose. I know I have to accept people for who they are, but I just don't want to have to deal with it all in the meantime.

**Side Note
Ugh after continuous copy and pasting and trying to work around the stupid HTML. (Yeah for some reason that I cease to comprehend from my lack of technology skills) Part of my glorious writings have been really really unfortunately lost in the mix and I am kicking myself in the ass for it because it's upsetting to lose something that you put work into formulating. And I can't remember what I wrote and now am left with absolutely no energy for a chance of revival. Consider me utterly defeated. i doubt anyone will actually read this entry for it is extremely long in length, but to any who have, thank you and I hope you enjoyed this diverse and troublesome entry.