Today

Adjusting is never an easy thing.
Whatever goes up, must come down. Newton definitely had it right.
It's always an internal struggle. It's so hard to be so happy one day and then for absolutely no reason at all feel so fucking out of control the next day. My entire body is screaming and in pain. My tear ducts are aching to be released. Anything.

Anything for some relief. A moment of peace.

How do you keep going? I have to remind myself to breathe.
All of the time.

I told my mother, she said, "Why is it that whenever you go out, the next day you end up like this?"

It isn't as simple as that. She still doesn't get the constant ups and downs. Just because one day is good, doesn't mean it ensures lasting good days. If you get lucky, you get a couple of days.

It's always a roller coaster ride that never ends. It ends when you die.

 I go out when I'm feeling well. And I don't when I ache. Easy as that.

Everything is simple, but not. Obviously. The universe is twisted and likes to play entirely too much. It takes pleasure in doing so, it loves the thrill.

I have been researching in to treatment facilities specifically for bipolar disorder. It might be time to seek help that I can't give myself. Two years of medication and I'm still looping. My body is its own universe. It's like the world with its own living communities and politics. They battle just like on earth. They fight dirty and contain as many diverse beings as any realm. I am a whole bunch of people, encased in to this one body.

My eyes are hollow today.
I want to ram my car into the wall while driving today.
I feel like ripping my own skin and flesh off today.
Digging all of my fingernails into the palms of my hands, today.
Closing my eyes, trying to shut out all the pain today.
Taking deep breaths in hopes of remaining calm today.
My heart hurts, so much, today.
My fucking senses today.
Internally running wild today.
I hope that it is only, for today.



Hope you all are fairing way better today than I am.
Cheers, lovers.