Cold Glistening Metal

Yeah, so this has been coming on for quite some time now but I have prolonged my documenting of it until now.

All I ever want to do now is just lie in my bed with the covers over my head and crawl up into a little ball and will myself to sleep (that is when my insomnia doesn't choose to take over) to dream on of a continuous bliss that is so absent from my everyday life.

I don't care about anything and I don't want to do anything. I seriously barely care about my friends. I know that sounds really bad, but it's the truth and you would be able to understand if you knew where I was coming from and what has made me feel the way I do. I really couldn't care less right now and feel that I am being forced to do what I really don't want to do only out of mere appeasement for them. When, I really don't care.

Everything irritates me and I find myself just frustrated with mankind when I do choose to join in festivities. Dumb people are annoying and I have said it so many times before; I feel like I am surrounded by stupid people all the time. And to add to that, I am so sick of people who create dramatic stirs for no reason apparent reason.

And I am sick of myself for always being the nice person and putting up with all of that shit. I am sick of letting myself get treated like shit all the time. It's like I never learn my lesson and I just repeated allow people to project their own blame onto me. When it is really they who have the problem with their own insecurities and anger. It doesn't involve my life and so therefore it's not my problem.

I am exhausted by people.
I really don't care whether or not I see anyone's faces let alone have to scrounge up the energy to please them because they feel neglected.

I don't want to go out anymore or do anything, yet people don't seem to understand that and then have the nerve to be stupid and thus bitch about my willed disappearance. They try to coax me into coming out and partaking in "joyous" events, when I don't care for my appearance.

And I hate that I find myself taking the time to actually try to show a false care for it all when I really don't.

I am going through a major slump right now that no amount of explaining seems to be justifiable to them.

The worst part is that I know I will continue to feign effort and have to immerse myself into the public, as much as I really don't want to, because my all too empathetic nature and innate caring personality (though I try to disregard and fight it) makes me unable to fully be the bitch and jackass I really want to become.

And I am really just sick of doing stupid shit all of the time. I am only interested in moving forward and this stagnant state of perpetual binge drinking and observing of drunken debauchery is becoming way too tedious for me to bear. I am sick of being surrounded by drama. Maybe my mind is just maturing too quickly for my own good, but I just don't want to do it anymore.

So, back to my grey demeanor.
What I really want to be doing, though have been fighting the urge each passing day as the moments go through me, is taking the coolness of a beautiful blade and gliding it across my skin so that I may feel the very rawness of sensation and thrill I get from the produced chemicals in my brain. So that I may feel those very sensations radiate throughout my body to lift me up into a numbed elation. (Don't worry, I have been a good girl and have not been indulging in the pure satisfaction of self mutilation, you all should be so proud)

I feel like I really am back to living through my life as each hour passes. And the thing is, I feel I am so numb, that I really don't mind. In fact, I rather savor the pleasure I get from being alone with no one to demand anything from me. I am so sick of always being the independent one who is responsible of everything else. I am so sick of having to put up with other people and other issues.

I guess that explains my need to be so reclusive with my life. I rather prefer shutting everything out.

And the thing is, this sunken and grave awareness exists now more than ever when I am sober. It used to only become triggered by intoxication, now it's invading my dry sanity. So it isn't as if something as pointless as alcohol is to blame nor is it the cure either.

I just wish people would just understand my crazy and damaged feelings and frustrations about life and people and just leave me alone without having to act senseless and bitch and whine about it because I'll make my way back eventually. I always do. And if they were the real friends they claim to be, they would understand that and still be there when I get back.