They're one of my all time favorite bands as well. Listening to them always makes me feel better too. I love this one and the fact that they're singing in French. The words sounds so scintillating as they seem to roll of the tongue. I secretly really want to learn to learn French so badly. (Felt this way for years now, one day I will)
Their sound is so great. It's mellow yet rockstar. You can see why I love them.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Scale
Keep a level head. Don't let it get to you. Don't let it in; leave the past where it belongs.
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Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Discovered Freshness
Casey Dienel- amazing.--> Winter Hinterland- awesome. You know me, a sucker for a jazz-like quality sensation. Casey Dienel was (she is no more) more jazzy, but transferred and collaborated White Hinterland has a differently phenomenal sound as well one all of their own. It's jazz and bass beats/folk meets electronics. It's quirky, but not. It hits, but it sails smoothly. It's melancholic, but slighted and thoroughly proportioned fun. Pretty tight if you ask me, but definitely for the more eccentric-sided ear. You have to be in the mood for it. Check her out, check em out.
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Obsession
I don't know why, maybe it's because I have a Pretty in Pink obsession (along with an 80s movies one at that- among other dominant preoccupations), but every time I hear this song it puts me in a good mood. I just love it, there's something about the stirred up nostalgia it evokes. Not to mention, it doesn't hurt that OMD is pretty, really, great. Holla.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Monday Blues
Yeah, I know it's technically Tuesday right now seeing as how I am 46 minutes late, but I just got lazy getting to my trusty laptop. Anyway, today after work I took a minor detour to Barnes & Noble's. I know I said I wouldn't buy any more books until I finished the 20 I have yet to read on my bookshelf and in my drawers (my tiny room ran out of space), but I just couldn't help myself. An opportunity presented itself and it didn't help that I really needed a pick me up. Plus, I haven't indulgently purchased in a long time, I have been fairly good in the consumerism enabling, so I deduced for myself that I slightly deserved it. So I bought 4 new books. Huzzah. Also, on the way home I decided to stop by the grocery store and did a bit of chocolate shopping. Haha, yes I am a chocolate addict as well among other labels and persona's. So yep, pretty good pick me ups for the day.
Love Ode And M. Cyrin
You all know how much I love the Pixies. Well check out this amazing piano cover. Dolla fo a holla.
And how much I love Arcade Fire.
.
I know right? Both utterly Amazeballs.
And in case you haven't put two and two together, check out Maxence Cyrin's sensational piano covers. He is amazing and makes the cacophony, ambiance, emotion, and depth resonate so beautifully. Check him out and you'll understand exactly what I mean.
And how much I love Arcade Fire.
.
I know right? Both utterly Amazeballs.
And in case you haven't put two and two together, check out Maxence Cyrin's sensational piano covers. He is amazing and makes the cacophony, ambiance, emotion, and depth resonate so beautifully. Check him out and you'll understand exactly what I mean.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Chest Anxiety
I'm hurting. Bad. I feel like crying and that my insides are just so bruised, slain, sore, and punctured with holes left oozing painful and irreparable guts. I am trapped within my molecular structure, screaming fury and angst on the inside; yet, so silent on the outside, alone, misunderstood, and never capable of true integration with human beings. There's a storm of emotions circumventing my internal body that I wish would just stop. I feel so incapable.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
A Desired Disconnection
I've slowly been detaching myself from my social world by choice within this past month. But not nearly as much as I desire and aim. It's impossible to completely cut off all ties from your own reality. And in all honesty, it's not all that beneficial either no matter how powerful the wanting.
I just feel myself yearning for complete disconnect and renewal. I want to start completely fresh and from a pristine slate. I want to completely disappear from everyone and everything who/that is familiar with me; I then want to be revived and sent into a new state of physical being. I'm craving big changes, so much that I want to be taken out of my element. I need it, I need time to heal.
I just feel myself yearning for complete disconnect and renewal. I want to start completely fresh and from a pristine slate. I want to completely disappear from everyone and everything who/that is familiar with me; I then want to be revived and sent into a new state of physical being. I'm craving big changes, so much that I want to be taken out of my element. I need it, I need time to heal.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Psychiatry
Alright, I think it's already clear to me as well as everyone else that I do in fact need to go seek out further counseling for my craziness. But one major thing that is hindering me from affirmative action is, how the hell is it supposed to help me? I've worked out everything in my head over and over and over again for years, understanding the why and the breakdowns behind the reasons of reasons. But how the hell is it supposed to heal me? How the hell is me speaking to a complete stranger about my entire life (tempting as that sounds), "working through them" yet again (believe me I have no problem going through the motions of why I am the way I am, it isn't about my lack of expression), supposed to in fact help me? Are psychiatrists magical superheroes in disguise? I know their trained in a specific way, but what of it? What can they tell me that will help me with myself? What can they tell me about myself that I haven't already registered in my mind about myself already over and over and over again? What can they give me? What? A fake sense of reassurance and security? Fix my highly apparent abandonment issues even though I already am so acclimated to being alone and self reliant? Give me some sense of real, physical, and substantial support? Completely expunge from my heart and mind every little thing that has ever hurt me, still bothers me, and of which continues to weigh in my chest constantly every day? Enable the ability to make me stop worrying and thinking about everything all the time? Turn off my brain? 'cause god oh how I'd love that so that I may be able to have some peace of mind and soul. Confiscate away the fact that I feel so damn empty and hollow all the time? How the fuck is that supposed to happen? You can't fucking rely on a shrink that way, it isn't real.
Sickening
I feel sick.
What is it with parents and their need to turn everything around, take it the wrong way, get defensive, and make everything about themselves. Is it because their parents did that to them when they were younger, so much so that they feel the need to continue repeating this awful killing cycle?
And what is it with my ability to inadvertently hurt or disappoint them, which is never my intention.
Me, being so goddamn rooted in my traditional values (no matter how liberal my standpoints are, but there are two parts of me. My real self, of whom sadly my parents will never get to know because it doesn't even register in them to consider it, and the dutiful Chinese daughter self, of whom they only want to see myself as, or as whom they think I only should be), and having such different perspectives all around to want to constantly break out of the common mold as to try and stop the (well at least my) further perpetuation of a godawful brainwashed ideology, certainly causes a great stir.
Either way you can't win.
When does it end? When does the whole cycle of hurting each other ever end? It doesn't.
I can tell you one thing, bearing the burden and hurt as to try and prevent hurt for your parents can be all too much. And it constantly hurts, for they will never really understand. As I have said before, the fucking generational cultural gap between first generation kids (me) and immigrant parents (them) is far too great for any real progressive understanding to ever succeed or be fully executed productively.
But it definitely is just as burdening on the parents as well seeing as we literally are made from their pieces and that in itself is a whole other connected category in itself. Either way, you can't win. I've tried for almost a decade, and believe it- nothing has progressed, everything just becomes repressed and avoided. Unless you come from straight up fled from communism immigrant parents, I don't think you could fully understand the complete extent of this great disconnect. Asian parents think a certain way, I can only speak for my Chinese/Taiwanese parents, but they all think a certain way because they are so rooted in traditional culture and a whole different set of Eastern ideologies completely different from the created American ones.
Yet, what gets me the most is their inability to see me as the person I am. As an individual with my own beliefs and real theories and viewpoints on life. Even when I try to share, they zone out and don't hear me. (my mother) Or they just take it in a completely wrong way that I am just a 'bad kid' with my need for expression through tattoos and what not, or even relief for the matter. (my father) I cannot tell you how many times I am actually trying to talk to my mother and within seconds, she zones out and doesn't even hear me. They immediately start talking about something else leading me to think they cannot even fathom that I am a person with her own intentions towards life and her own distinct philosophies. And that every thing I choose to do has a real purpose rather than just "for fun" or "for the hell of it" as my father wrongly yet strongly believes. They don't even consider that there is a greater extension of me that I honestly and adamantly believe to be the best part of me of whom I am so proud of and take pride in being. And it's sad that they'll never get a chance to know who I really am or be a part of me because they're so blinded by only seeing what they want to see or what they only choose to see.
Don't even get me started on my mother's ability to make my huge and personal disorders with depression all completely about her. And you can't tell them that childhood is the cause of most of it because of environmental factors, since that would only hurt them even more. Knowing it's their fault but never being able to say it, or actually saying it and then causing more rifts in the already broken familial structure. When I tell her how I feel, it only ever takes less than 10 seconds for her to refute back with her issues of how this affects her. It doesn't matter how much this all tears me up, no, what matters is how this affects her and makes her feel. It bothers me that emotions can't ever be fucking put aside for once just to hear the other person out in order for a greater understanding. Either way there is a major miscommunication regardless of how badly both parties want to repair and bridge the inability to fully reach real progress.
I'm too exhausted to even edit this, so pardon the inconsistent flow or accidental minor structure/syntax/grammar errors. I'm going back to bed.
What is it with parents and their need to turn everything around, take it the wrong way, get defensive, and make everything about themselves. Is it because their parents did that to them when they were younger, so much so that they feel the need to continue repeating this awful killing cycle?
And what is it with my ability to inadvertently hurt or disappoint them, which is never my intention.
Me, being so goddamn rooted in my traditional values (no matter how liberal my standpoints are, but there are two parts of me. My real self, of whom sadly my parents will never get to know because it doesn't even register in them to consider it, and the dutiful Chinese daughter self, of whom they only want to see myself as, or as whom they think I only should be), and having such different perspectives all around to want to constantly break out of the common mold as to try and stop the (well at least my) further perpetuation of a godawful brainwashed ideology, certainly causes a great stir.
Either way you can't win.
When does it end? When does the whole cycle of hurting each other ever end? It doesn't.
I can tell you one thing, bearing the burden and hurt as to try and prevent hurt for your parents can be all too much. And it constantly hurts, for they will never really understand. As I have said before, the fucking generational cultural gap between first generation kids (me) and immigrant parents (them) is far too great for any real progressive understanding to ever succeed or be fully executed productively.
But it definitely is just as burdening on the parents as well seeing as we literally are made from their pieces and that in itself is a whole other connected category in itself. Either way, you can't win. I've tried for almost a decade, and believe it- nothing has progressed, everything just becomes repressed and avoided. Unless you come from straight up fled from communism immigrant parents, I don't think you could fully understand the complete extent of this great disconnect. Asian parents think a certain way, I can only speak for my Chinese/Taiwanese parents, but they all think a certain way because they are so rooted in traditional culture and a whole different set of Eastern ideologies completely different from the created American ones.
Yet, what gets me the most is their inability to see me as the person I am. As an individual with my own beliefs and real theories and viewpoints on life. Even when I try to share, they zone out and don't hear me. (my mother) Or they just take it in a completely wrong way that I am just a 'bad kid' with my need for expression through tattoos and what not, or even relief for the matter. (my father) I cannot tell you how many times I am actually trying to talk to my mother and within seconds, she zones out and doesn't even hear me. They immediately start talking about something else leading me to think they cannot even fathom that I am a person with her own intentions towards life and her own distinct philosophies. And that every thing I choose to do has a real purpose rather than just "for fun" or "for the hell of it" as my father wrongly yet strongly believes. They don't even consider that there is a greater extension of me that I honestly and adamantly believe to be the best part of me of whom I am so proud of and take pride in being. And it's sad that they'll never get a chance to know who I really am or be a part of me because they're so blinded by only seeing what they want to see or what they only choose to see.
Don't even get me started on my mother's ability to make my huge and personal disorders with depression all completely about her. And you can't tell them that childhood is the cause of most of it because of environmental factors, since that would only hurt them even more. Knowing it's their fault but never being able to say it, or actually saying it and then causing more rifts in the already broken familial structure. When I tell her how I feel, it only ever takes less than 10 seconds for her to refute back with her issues of how this affects her. It doesn't matter how much this all tears me up, no, what matters is how this affects her and makes her feel. It bothers me that emotions can't ever be fucking put aside for once just to hear the other person out in order for a greater understanding. Either way there is a major miscommunication regardless of how badly both parties want to repair and bridge the inability to fully reach real progress.
I'm too exhausted to even edit this, so pardon the inconsistent flow or accidental minor structure/syntax/grammar errors. I'm going back to bed.
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