Fuck

Fuck, I'm manic. Or hypomanic, not good. Angry. Fuck. Can't sleep, wired, depression. Jittery. Wired. And it just hit me, hallucinations I used to have as a child, where I would 'black out' and see things, not normal. Damn. I need it to be 9 already so I can call my doctor. Fuck.

Fuck, researching and reading about sensory hallucinations, fuck, I think I am bipolar. 2 possibly. This is so heartbreaking. I would've never thought that the things I thought I saw or heard would conclude to this. It literally came out of no where when usually I am pretty perceptive about things. Fuck. It would definitely explain my paranoia of hearing and seeing strangers while I'm drifting into being awake. Hearing rustled bed sheets or paper when I'm all by myself or even a stranger kneeling beside me. FUCK.

I'm so screwed. I thought the hallucinations, migraines, and blackout tantrums I had as a kid were just ephemeral stuff cause I was physically unhealthy. I never thought they were psychotic. But now that I'm older and can piece things together, it all is beginning to make sense now. I still get bad migraines. Goddamnit.

I just had this strange wave of utter finality and acceptance. This is it. This is who I'm supposed to become. Fuck. Clinical Depression seems a whole lot better compared to this. Ugh.
But it's not a competition.