Down The Street

You my neighbor, who literally lives just down the street from me, we have become closer than ever before and have finally arrived at a place in our relationship that is really good. Really, really good. It has taken us years- almost a decade- to get here.
I know I'm crazy and that I still can't forget the past and all the wrong you have done me.
I know you have changed for the better.
But I still can't help but be completely scared out of my wits to trust you completely again.
What's worse is that I already know I care so much more about you than ever before.
I love you, you have become one of my closest friends.
But I hate myself for letting you in again because when you hurt me for the last time a while ago, I vowed to never let my guard down again.
And I still haven't.
But at times, I know I already have.
Sorry for the insane crying and drunk meltdown last night.
But you still remain as wonderful, caring, and understanding as ever now.
Now that you have changed for the better.
I know you have changed and become a completely different person than before and are trying to mend your ways.
I know that.
And I'm sorry that I still have my fears and doubts.
It's as if I am fighting myself. Two sides of me. The side that has already let you in with the side that vowed to never let you in again.
I told you last night I'm trying.
I can't believe I finally told you last night. And I can't believe the way it happened.
And you were still there for me. I know you have changed.
Can you see me running around in circles even as I speak and try to find the exact words to say?
Yeah, I seem to be literally fighting myself.
I hate that I am falling for you again. In a sense as in best friends. I vowed to never become involved with you again in a significant other sort of way. Even though we have such undeniable chemistry.
But I say falling for you again- meaning caring for you again. Deep down as a person and for who you are. The way a person's heart comes to really care about someone they love and become attached to.
I hate that. I hate that I seem to be becoming more and more attached to you. I hate that I love you. I hate how kind and generous you are with me and how I am the only one who can get away with anything from you while everyone else is scared as ever to ever cross you.
I hate that I am beginning to love you again as you seemed to have become my best friend within this week. (Mind you, all this love is strictly platonic. As I have tried to never let him forget even when our chemistry is more than strong. I refuse to ever go there. I don't think I'm capable of it. I don't ever go back remember?)
I hate that I am so scared to let you back in. And I hate the way you look at me as if I could never do any wrong. Oh, and also the way you hold me so tight whenever I let you. I know you only go as far and get as close to me as I let you.
I hate how attached I already am to you my best friend.