Excerpt

I don't understand why I'm trying so hard to "live", to "survive".

I don't even know if I want to. 

There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think: how am I going to make it?

How do people do this?

I figured out the reason why I have been trying, it's because of everyone else.

The pressure.

Because everyone else is fed up. And it's still never about what I want. It's who they would rather me be.

I could care less.

Temporary

The only thing the takes the constant pain away is sleep, but that's never long enough.

Wet

(: I love it when it rains. Cheers, lovers.

Fuck

Today I just want to clutch my chest, roll up into a little ball, on the floor, and just stay there indefinitely. Yeah, that bad, I can hardly breathe.

What?

Sometimes I feel as if I'm not real. Like I'm conscious but everything happening isn't. It's hard to explain. Like an out of body dream experience. What's real and not real? I actually have to focus hard to not be on autopilot every second of my life. Weird, feelings I cannot fathom into words. The transcending kind of feeling, the highly existential idea of being. Your body is here partaking, but as for your mind and soul? Where does it go? I feel like I'm living a dream all the time. As if I'm high on drugs. Haha maybe I am high, I definitely am medicated.

It's Official

I think I just wrote the prologue to my first book. Yes, it is another memoir to the addition of  many out there, but it is mine. And it takes more courage to be yourself and confront your demons, than anything else in the world. It's amazing what writing does, it automatically makes you feel lighter. Another addiction.

At least I'll have that. Maybe then I can finally put my ghosts to rest and move forward.

If it isn't pouring out of you, then don't do it.

When

I just want to die- sleep forever. I'll never get better. How much can a person take?

Total Eclipse Of The Heart

Once upon a time I was falling in love,

now I'm only falling apart.

Nothing I can do.

Prescription

I fucking hate anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. They fucking make you fat. As if I'm not already miserable.

The Past

Flashbacks will kill you.