Djdkskdjddbd

Fucking highs and lows. All bad, they're all bad. I spend my life waiting for the pain to pass.
I really want to cut right now. It's been so long since. It's hard to fight the urge when you need something to counter all the painful weight you're internally carrying. Just all these painful memories I wish I didn't remember. It all hits so hard. My body is already ridden with permanent and severe scars, but I can't stop. It's a bad addiction and the monster only wants more. I've cut, sutured myself for fun, and have resorted to burning myself. Nothing is ever good enough. Hopefully the rising waves in my chest will pass so that I won't have to physically act to get by. It's as if I need some of my blood to flow to counter my inability to cry on my own. Blood is so fucking  cathartic. Especially when it's your own. And I love waking up to stinging open wounds. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either. I don't want to live inside my own body anymore and live these damn irrational emotions. Fuck, I really need to get some help.
Call me fucking sick, but aren't we all? Sorry mother and father, I'm such a failure at 24.