Every time I think I've run far from it, it's still always there. It's always there creeping underneath the surface, just waiting. Waiting for me to slip, because I most likely will. It feeds on my anxiety and insecurities. No matter what I do, I'm still never healed, though I so much want to be. I wish every night to have all my pain (inexplicable albeit) that I carry (with no understanding why) to be taken away, so I don't have to feel like this anymore. But still, it's always there. Like a dormant creature just waiting because he knows I'll always manage to somehow relapse. He's just waiting to see how great my discipline is because all it takes is a small sliver, and I'm done all over again.
It's the moments I live. Every moment is a test. And every moment is a moment waiting for time to pass so I can reach that rare moment of relief- of not feeling like everything is caving in on me. I don't know what to do. Every moment it seems like I am gauging my emotions and trying to keep them under control, under this facade I've created.
I've become a self-made, full-fledged, liar. I'm a fake; a fraud. Every moment is an ongoing battle with myself. I wish I weren't so complicated. I wish I weren't so fucking psychotic.
I wish I weren't so fucking stupid.
Every moment is a moment of me trying to repress the ringing and redundant words in my head screaming, "What the fuck am I doing with my life?".
I don't know how to feel anymore and I don't know how to be anymore but this thing I've seemed to have evolved into. This thing who overcompensates when around people and this thing who is a utterly complete recluse when not around people.
And even reading my mediocre and such rudimentary writing structure is pissing me off right now because I fear I've become the degenerate I've always loathed. My intellect has dwindled and what little skill or talent I had has disappeared. But that's not the point.
The point is, I hate the person I have become. I hate the person I am. And nothing I say or do will ever be good enough.
I'm losing myself.
I'm losing.
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2 comments:
You dear child are not lost! you are here, you are right here in those words! and you are not alone! for i am in those words too. i have never found someone who could put into words exactly the war thats waging in my head. you are here. dont forget that.
Your words make sense to me
They radiate through this computer
And I see your pain
Strange, considering I'm not sad
But now you know
One of us gets it.
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