It's TwentyTen, Am I Back?

Okay, so I know it's been a very long while since I have written anything. I mean I realize I have tons of entries already, but my progress has definitely been put on hold for the time being until today. I guess you could say I've hit a road block and lost my motivation. It makes me wonder, why does this happen? Why did it happen to me? The person who seems to have so much to say about everything suddenly wishes to disappear and stop all progress. To be honest, I can admit that I had been fading away. I put the blog on private because I had put up a couple uncensored and dare I say "desperate" (ugh how I loathe that word and its make) entries completely conveying my fallen despair.

It was like I had sunk and couldn't resurface to save myself. Or maybe I just needed a break from the world as that so happens to me often. But, possibly, I think I started to become afraid of the things I felt and wanted to say with how others would perceive it. I think I'm afraid of being taken in by the world in a specific way and not the way I would want to be defined as. Afraid of being judged by my past. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of but the beauty of time is the constant progression for the potential to become the best person you can be and even with that when you think it is the end, you are still learning and growing.

I contemplate whether I should delete the private posts and I fully admit that they are entirely pathetic and embarrassing. But, if it is my purpose to become more honest and try not to care so much, then try as I must, I will have to leave them published for all the world to view.

I don't know, for whatever reason, I will confess that this entry is my first step in trying to gain back my motivation for the virtual space where my thoughts have way to fully transcend from my fingertips and be shared to those that are thoughtful enough to actually want to read my words.

I guess my new or should I say existing purpose is to try to be more honest with myself and not so afraid of how others are going to judge me. I want to not care as much as I do and just exist freely in my mind. I envy those who are able to not even have a thought occur to them; I envy the carefree beings that happen to circumvent the world. I wish I were less emotional.

I realize this entry may be entirely mediocre as I am reading it and agree, but it's a start.

So I guess we'll see how it goes as I take it one day at a time. Moment by moment.