Repost- My Thoughts Exactly

Thank you once again Le Love.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011
scared I’m chasing nothing.

weheartit

It’s not that I think you’re not important when you don’t have anyone, because I don’t. I truly don’t. I believe you can never really know what you want in someone else until you know yourself – completely and wholly - when you only have yourself to rely on. I know far too many people who are in relationships of comfort – because they don’t want to be alone. And it’s sad, because they rely so much on this social institution for validation. I am proud to say I have dealt with loneliness, and I’m not afraid of it. I am not afraid of my independence and I am not afraid of my own company. I am proud to say I have become a strong, level-headed person because I have had such a long time to consider myself and my surroundings and my feelings and my opinions with a clear head, one that is not muddled by the fog of a relationship and love and my heart. For these reasons I am glad it’s taken me this long to find someone, because I think when it happens, I’ll be able to handle it and make the most of it.

But fuck, sometimes I just get sick of being lonely. I get sick of having to rely on myself and my imagination for any kind of deeper mental or emotional stimulation. It’s getting to a point now where, I’ve had way too much time to think. My heart is forming cobwebs because the people I met, the experiences I’ve had so far, just aren’t cutting it. I think my imagination has had far too much time to become so specific in designing what my heart wants, I’m scared reality is just never going to compare. How can it? I never really gave it a chance. I’m torn between wanting only the best for myself and impatience. How much longer is it really going to take?

I feel like it’s impossible because I’ve made it impossible. I want magic. I want to feel such an intense pull towards someone it’s like our worlds just crashed into each other, changing them and me and everything I thought I knew. I want fireworks, and butterflies and magnetism, something tumultuous and huge and exciting and new. I want something to pull me out of myself and my head and my over-analysis and make me feel again, because I’ve forgotten. And I don’t think I can get it back on my own. But I’m scared I’m waiting out for a super unrealistic ideal that I’ve created for myself. I’m scared I’m chasing nothing. And every day it’s getting harder and harder to have faith in myself and everything I believe in.

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Posted by Le Love at 11:41 PM

Yep.

The Diminished Beautiful Art Of Verse

So, I have begun two new books. I think now it's apparent what kind of books I take interest in reading. You know, the kind with beautiful and free flowing verse with older words from another time mixed in with a syntax that since has sort of been forgotten in this day and age. (well, at least forgotten in mega-vulgar American language) Something that cannot be authentically mimicked.

Anyway, I have been reading and when I read, I normally underline and comment in margins or whatever strikes out at me. And we all know my major preference and favoritism towards older culture (especially the English) seeing as how everything was so much more about propriety, lack of vulgarity, polished etiquette, and full on well refined speech. I love the way they used to talk and express themselves. I loved the lack of slang and the properness in life. It's something from an older and finely rooted something that I'm sad to never have the opportunity to experience or completely grasp. Sad to also never fully attain the ability of that fine speech I love to indulge in reading. Stuck in such an advanced technological era and modern generations, there are unfortunate limitations.

Reading words of such nature, for some reason, save me. Whenever I have the urge to read a great book, it allows me to completely escape the world around me. (same goes for great films, but I spoke about my passions in an entry a long time ago and I won't get into it much again for the sake of repetition prevention) But it's not just that. The satisfaction of reading beautifully written pages transcends me into a different and better state of mind. It manages to alleviate all the bad things I feel for a prolonged period of time and give me hope to keep moving forward. Don't ask me why or how, for right now as I try to explain it, I still can't find the right words to describe the feeling, but it just does it for me. And I love it.

As I was reading up into late hours last night, a question just keeps occurring to me in my mind of, "Why don't people speak like this anymore?" I don't have to expand on just how great my desire for this kind of correspondence is, but I do wish people still spoke as such. No one talks like that anymore. It's almost like a fading art that will soon be forgotten completely. It will just continue to remain tucked away in fantastic print literature and become known as "intense and complex reads" or "not so easy reads". It already has begun to seem that way. The tolerance for complex words and elaborate phrases has definitely diminished. You can tell when people's eyes glaze over the moment you start indulging in amazing adjectives and perfectly formulated sentences. People aren't used to hearing language spoken like this anymore so they become completely disinterested when they are exposed to even a slight amount of it. (of course anything I speak about is in terms of my own surrounded environment in societal American culture, seeing as how that is the only culture I have experienced, so this is not to be applied or meant to be assumed to anything else but) It's a shame.

(sorry, written in a time crunch, didn't have time to edit- will edit later when I have time)