S. Jobs

"Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes... the ones who see things differently -- they're not fond of rules... You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things... they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do."

Repost- Charlotte Bronte

One of my favorite books. Thank you LeLove for finding this.

Enough

Enough. I don't have time nor do I want to waste it allowing stupid thoughts to constantly circumvent the spectrum of my mind. I have more important things to do. They need to leave already- I'm tired of all the redundant repetition of teasing nonchalance and progressive hope and then the retracting of it. (and it keeps happening! but not for lack of trying- the mechanics of the human cerebrum are unfathomable) I wish they had never been collected with the moments to begin with; I wish they could quite successfully be 'eternal sunshine on the spotless mind' wiped away.

But enough of these antics, and I'm sorry for my actions.
I have yet to master the art of letting go, but I will one day.
I know I need to grow up regarding my impulsive childish actions and not allow myself to fall into wallowing emotional self-loathing and thus creating more destruction. (and with all of the stupid executed effects and results that come with it because they surely are just making it all worse) It's all so unnecessary. I need to find a way to trigger my subconscious to really move forward when my conscious mind has already made up its mind, so the unwanted further destruction doesn't keep repeating itself.

I want and need to do away with all destruction/disaster enablers and habits so that I can get my shit together again. The only time I seem to be completely content and gratifyingly in control is when I am entirely sober from everything so it doesn't fuck with my medication. You'd think I would've learned my lessons already. Though I have not been participating in inebriated debauchery much at all anymore. Yet, the age and generation of my youth creeps up on me once in a while. It's a huge conundrum and even bigger dilemma when you're battling demons and skeletons. And being the imperfect and completely flawed person I am, yeah, it is no easy feat. (think I'm asking too much of myself? probably, and I know the whole low self worth and low self esteem thing is because of the whole depression caused from some deep rooted childhood disorder like separation anxiety disorder or some shit thing from environmental interactions- I should probably consult a psychiatrist to find out what exactly I have because it's complicated, but either way, why shouldn't anyone expect the best out of everything?)

I need to gain control of my subconscious the way I have complete control over my conscious self.
Sounds near impossible. (like a jedi mind trick sort of deal huh? lol) Well, I'm actively working on it and checking myself. But all of this self-affirming is just all part of a package deal, a part of a process working towards a greater goal. I have written about it, a long while ago. Yet, I haven't published it for my own reasons, but all in due time.
Despite all of this self-critiquing, I still love who I am. Life is an ever-shaping and improving process of which never ends (I will probably repeat and apply that until the day I die) and I am my own worst worst critic who has high expectation for everything- most of all myself. So there's that haha.

I'm Not In Love

You guys remember BBMak? Well, I do. I used to love these guys. And plus, who can resist English guys who can sing? Hmm? (:



Don't think that you got me girl
Don't think you can tame me and change me
Don't think that it's all because of you
Just because I don't run around
Just because we're forever together
Don't you think of a four letter word to use

So what if I just don't want anybody else but you
So what if you're all that I ever really wanna do
I know what you're thinking, but that doesn't make it true
Believe me, baby

I'm not in love, no not at all
What makes you think you made me fall
I slip but no, I'm not in love
What if I just can't sleep at night
I see your face in the starry sky
So high above, but, girl I'm not in love

Don't think that you got it made
Don't think it's so easy to keep me
Never know it could all just fade away

So what if I just don't want anybody else but you
So what if you're all that I ever really wanna do
I know what you're thinking, but that doesn't make it true
Believe me, baby

I'm not in love, no not at all
What makes you think you made me fall
I slip but no, I'm not in love
What if I just can't sleep at night
I see your face in the starry sky
So high above, but, girl I'm not in love

So if my heart just skips a beat
What if I lose a little sleep
Believe me

I'm not in love, no not at all
What makes you think you made me fall
I slip but no, I'm not in love
What if I just can't sleep at night
I see your face in the starry sky
The way you feel, it makes it right
I'm not in love

Soaked Chemistry, Digression, And More Emerged Theorizing

Why is it that when nothing is going on, absolutely nothing is going on. And yet when there is a slight of attraction, a whole deluge floods towards my direction.

It's strange that when there is no further executed interest in me, there is none. And when someone happens to have the smallest inkling of attraction towards me, everyone starts to drift my way like a fly attracted to a black light. This is insane.

But again, I am still not interested in getting involved whatsoever right now. It's been that way for about 8 months, and it's still going strong.

Part of me really just doesn't want to deal with it right now. I want to be selfish and focus what energy and worry spots in my brain I have, to myself. I have learned how to love myself, but I still have yet to learn how to care for my existing being.

I am a high risk klutz, the very epitome of clumsiness and mess. You could say that I am way too careless. And you'd be right. I need to learn how to care for myself. Taking care and caring are two different things. One is the physically active and logical action, while the other is emotional and mental empathy sprinkled with consideration. I need to work on the latter.

Most of the time I just don't really care what happens to me. It's taken a long time for me to realize just that. And it's hard to really understand and accept. It's painstaking to analyze and break down your own way of living because people are always running away from the truth- they never want to hear or see what isn't pleasing. And I am fully flawed, so you can trust that it was definitely quite a feat to bypass my obstinate nature. Startling realization to come to isn't it?

I seem to care what happens to everybody else around me so much that I become protective and motherly, but with my own body, not so much. It just doesn't occur to me, it's like it doesn't even register in my brain to do so.

Growth development for human beings never ends. And it definitely is always a trial and error with me to try and get it right when I usually mess things up to begin with.

I spoke to someone a while ago, catching up, I mentioned how I had been working on myself for the past couple months, figuring out what I want to do- thinking a lot about myself while working through things. And he said, "Oh, so you're still doing that."

Yes, I still am. How could you think that I still wouldn't be? Learning and growing never ends. You should've known better, should've known me better than that.
My search for intellectual expansion is never-ending. It's just such a shame and waste that it isn't like that with most people out there. It's a shame when people just stop at a certain point in life and they remain the same from that time on. Their thirst for emerging innovation through cognizant learning just disappears. It's depressing. The door just closes, willingly.

I hope I never become like that. I hope I will always be trying to become a better me. I hope I will always be striving towards rising mental and emotional development. To me, that's what living is. It isn't just a mere series of physical actions, it's just so much more than that. It's somehow trying to tap into a secret part of your mind and your own true world that you see through your own rose colored glasses. It's the untapping of something so new and refreshing, coming up with completely original thoughts just from picking your own brain or the others of kindred souls.

That is what I live for. It is my special and coveted something that is entirely all of my own. It's what keeps me thriving. The certain knowing and finding out of true self, without all the clouding bullshit this too fast paced and desensitized atmosphere of presently new era enables, finding out that you actually have something that is entirely untouched by the corruption of the new century. And the exalted reaping satisfaction of the possessed notion that this unconditional passion transmits to your bodily existence.

You cannot begin to fully make anything right or make anyone happy, you can't start anything and fully succeed gloriously, without the full confidence of understanding and learning of your independent self. You first need to find out what makes you thirst, what satiates it, what makes you happy, without any external factors, before you can immaculately accomplish the dream. Your dream. It's our lives and up to us how we choose to maneuver what every realm of the universe has to offer and how to essentially really live.

I Fell In Love

At the seaside.

Substance

I miss you, still. So much. When will I stop?

Back On Track

Push through.

Shortness

I know it will pass, but right now I feel like I'm suffocating. Fucking make it all stop. My head, my chest.

I figured out why cutting makes me feel better. It's a physical and metaphorical catharsis. It's like a literal action of letting all the pressure out and flow away. God, I miss it. I want to quit life. No idiots, I don't want to die, I just want to stop time. It's all too much. Fucking every day man, always on my fucking case. Just shut up.

Tip #1148, bro