So, I have begun two new books. I think now it's apparent what kind of books I take interest in reading. You know, the kind with beautiful and free flowing verse with older words from another time mixed in with a syntax that since has sort of been forgotten in this day and age. (well, at least forgotten in mega-vulgar American language) Something that cannot be authentically mimicked.
Anyway, I have been reading and when I read, I normally underline and comment in margins or whatever strikes out at me. And we all know my major preference and favoritism towards older culture (especially the English) seeing as how everything was so much more about propriety, lack of vulgarity, polished etiquette, and full on well refined speech. I love the way they used to talk and express themselves. I loved the lack of slang and the properness in life. It's something from an older and finely rooted something that I'm sad to never have the opportunity to experience or completely grasp. Sad to also never fully attain the ability of that fine speech I love to indulge in reading. Stuck in such an advanced technological era and modern generations, there are unfortunate limitations.
Reading words of such nature, for some reason, save me. Whenever I have the urge to read a great book, it allows me to completely escape the world around me. (same goes for great films, but I spoke about my passions in an entry a long time ago and I won't get into it much again for the sake of repetition prevention) But it's not just that. The satisfaction of reading beautifully written pages transcends me into a different and better state of mind. It manages to alleviate all the bad things I feel for a prolonged period of time and give me hope to keep moving forward. Don't ask me why or how, for right now as I try to explain it, I still can't find the right words to describe the feeling, but it just does it for me. And I love it.
As I was reading up into late hours last night, a question just keeps occurring to me in my mind of, "Why don't people speak like this anymore?" I don't have to expand on just how great my desire for this kind of correspondence is, but I do wish people still spoke as such. No one talks like that anymore. It's almost like a fading art that will soon be forgotten completely. It will just continue to remain tucked away in fantastic print literature and become known as "intense and complex reads" or "not so easy reads". It already has begun to seem that way. The tolerance for complex words and elaborate phrases has definitely diminished. You can tell when people's eyes glaze over the moment you start indulging in amazing adjectives and perfectly formulated sentences. People aren't used to hearing language spoken like this anymore so they become completely disinterested when they are exposed to even a slight amount of it. (of course anything I speak about is in terms of my own surrounded environment in societal American culture, seeing as how that is the only culture I have experienced, so this is not to be applied or meant to be assumed to anything else but) It's a shame.
(sorry, written in a time crunch, didn't have time to edit- will edit later when I have time)
Friday, July 1, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Kicking Ass Acapella Style With Guns
Hahahaha sorry, this is too great not to share. Quick warm and fuzzy for you, enjoy. I want this in mp3 so badly so I can play it in my car while driving 'cause that's the kind of silly person I am. Yeah, I do.
It's the little things homies that make moments in life amazing. Pay attention so you can find them, relish as long as you can, then when it's over with, let it go.
It's the little things homies that make moments in life amazing. Pay attention so you can find them, relish as long as you can, then when it's over with, let it go.
Love Update And Then Some.. Rambling
Or rather a lack of love thereof by choice update. I just figured since I haven't archived what I've been doing these past couple months so as long as I am in a entry posting mode (though unfortunately not in a really inspirational free verse mode- so please bear with my very messily unorganized thoughts and basic vernacular), I might as well mention a little something. These are ultimately the days of our lives haha.
A couple months ago I decided that I did not want to deal with anything having to do with participatory infatuation/lust/love/etc. Basically I just rolled up the invisible ball of drama and threw it up in the air along with my hands. I did away with all the ones on the side and the ones not on the side. Cut them all off. Deleted, ignored, and banished from my mind. Because I wanted to. But of course these are the ones who don't mean anything. Because the one(s) that do or did, t(he)y aren't (isn't) in my life anymore and haven't (hasn't) been for quite some time. But that's a different story not for this entry.
Why did I do that? Simple.
I came to a halting realization and truth that, I absolutely don't want to date right now, at all. I don't want to deal with any of it and don't want to have to. I just want to handle myself by myself. (to be honest, I think I also might be quite incapable of opening myself to anyone new anyway- but that's besides the point and purpose)
I meant it, and still do. This objective has been completely met and is still ongoing with the committed promise to myself. There have been many potential suitors (there always will be, but they're all not good enough- I refuse to settle when they're not the right one. Hence to doing away with it all. This isn't being picky, it's just knowing what you want and what you don't want), but even so I have refused to indulge in my slightly sparked interests. But we all know my horrible taste in men, so if I am the least bit attracted then that must mean he's an asshole. But it wouldn't matter if someone came along that managed to catch my eye, because I still wouldn't and won't become involved. And I haven't, I've actually been quite good in this department. I have been completely free. Pretty proud of myself haha. But, I honestly do not want to date right now and probably won't want to for a very long time. I just want to work on my own self improvement for now, moment to moment.
I want to be better in my entirety. I have quit smoking, though albeit I do indulge if I partake in drinking social festivities. But thing is, I'm tired of all this. Tired of all the same crap. Tired of alcohol and the terrible and embarrassingly consequential comical experiences. Tired of slowly killing my body. Tired of slowly killing myself. I don't want to drink anymore. It is and will be very tough to implement, but I want this to happen. I have already started slowly, but it does have it's occasional relapses. I am 22 years old after all. It is way too easy to let drinking get out of hand because the moment you begin, the pace just moves quicker and quicker until you find yourself in the inebriated state you had been trying to avoid all night long to begin with. So hopefully with the discontinuation of alcohol consumption, the cigarette smoking will too cease as well. But more importantly, I can't get completely better if I don't quit drinking. Alcohol is a true depressant and that's exactly what I am trying to combat. After a full night of drinking, I end up feeling even worse than I did before. My depression elevates to unbearable levels. No bueno if you ask me.
So yep, you guessed it- I want to not go out at night so much anymore. Actually, I have been doing that. Been starting with staying home on either a Friday or Saturday night. (another story goes along with that but that's again not for this entry) I never go out on Sundays- they're my mental health stay in lazy days. Going out at night creates way too much dangerous temptation. There's too much static electricity filled energy in the air of which is only strengthened and reinforced because it feeds off itself through and from person to person. And my ability to get into trouble is way too great and effective.
So basically, I really wish I were actually more introverted, but I don't think it'll ever be possible for me to be in any way introverted. I think I am way too extroverted for my own good and that almost always tends to lean towards getting myself into too much trouble than I bargained for. I am finally beginning to knowledgeably accept what everyone else has perceived all along and of which I have refused to admit, that I have this odd innate sense of rebellion and mischief in my blood stream that leads me to gravitate towards the very opposite of what is safe. Thus the lack of discipline in the right life choices because I would rather be involved with the immediately wanted instant gratification and desired impulse decisions. Go figure, but we all already knew that. What you want isn't what is necessarily good and right for you right? Right. My passionate nature leads me to not be very conservative (the only thing conservative about me would be with the way I dress on a daily basis) at all in life and actually catapult me into a way liberal and sort of quite wild categorical group. You can probably deduce that from my very open and opinionated personality. We are the only ones responsible for our own actions and choices, and should hope to always be brave enough to own up to it. If it's not one thing it's another.
But again I am rambling and my thoughts have run away with me again.
Bottom line: I just want to be better. I want to be a better person for myself because I am not liking who I have become. Or more so, not not liking who I have become (because if I weren't be then I wouldn't be me right?), but not liking the decisions and actions I make and execute for myself. I meant what I said when I spoke of needing to make better life choices. I am a good girl at heart as well as an existing self paradox. I know I'm most likely too hard on myself, we are our own worst critic after all, but if you can't or won't try to understand yourself and want to keep improving through life to maximize your own potential- then what's the point?
A couple months ago I decided that I did not want to deal with anything having to do with participatory infatuation/lust/love/etc. Basically I just rolled up the invisible ball of drama and threw it up in the air along with my hands. I did away with all the ones on the side and the ones not on the side. Cut them all off. Deleted, ignored, and banished from my mind. Because I wanted to. But of course these are the ones who don't mean anything. Because the one(s) that do or did, t(he)y aren't (isn't) in my life anymore and haven't (hasn't) been for quite some time. But that's a different story not for this entry.
Why did I do that? Simple.
I came to a halting realization and truth that, I absolutely don't want to date right now, at all. I don't want to deal with any of it and don't want to have to. I just want to handle myself by myself. (to be honest, I think I also might be quite incapable of opening myself to anyone new anyway- but that's besides the point and purpose)
I meant it, and still do. This objective has been completely met and is still ongoing with the committed promise to myself. There have been many potential suitors (there always will be, but they're all not good enough- I refuse to settle when they're not the right one. Hence to doing away with it all. This isn't being picky, it's just knowing what you want and what you don't want), but even so I have refused to indulge in my slightly sparked interests. But we all know my horrible taste in men, so if I am the least bit attracted then that must mean he's an asshole. But it wouldn't matter if someone came along that managed to catch my eye, because I still wouldn't and won't become involved. And I haven't, I've actually been quite good in this department. I have been completely free. Pretty proud of myself haha. But, I honestly do not want to date right now and probably won't want to for a very long time. I just want to work on my own self improvement for now, moment to moment.
I want to be better in my entirety. I have quit smoking, though albeit I do indulge if I partake in drinking social festivities. But thing is, I'm tired of all this. Tired of all the same crap. Tired of alcohol and the terrible and embarrassingly consequential comical experiences. Tired of slowly killing my body. Tired of slowly killing myself. I don't want to drink anymore. It is and will be very tough to implement, but I want this to happen. I have already started slowly, but it does have it's occasional relapses. I am 22 years old after all. It is way too easy to let drinking get out of hand because the moment you begin, the pace just moves quicker and quicker until you find yourself in the inebriated state you had been trying to avoid all night long to begin with. So hopefully with the discontinuation of alcohol consumption, the cigarette smoking will too cease as well. But more importantly, I can't get completely better if I don't quit drinking. Alcohol is a true depressant and that's exactly what I am trying to combat. After a full night of drinking, I end up feeling even worse than I did before. My depression elevates to unbearable levels. No bueno if you ask me.
So yep, you guessed it- I want to not go out at night so much anymore. Actually, I have been doing that. Been starting with staying home on either a Friday or Saturday night. (another story goes along with that but that's again not for this entry) I never go out on Sundays- they're my mental health stay in lazy days. Going out at night creates way too much dangerous temptation. There's too much static electricity filled energy in the air of which is only strengthened and reinforced because it feeds off itself through and from person to person. And my ability to get into trouble is way too great and effective.
So basically, I really wish I were actually more introverted, but I don't think it'll ever be possible for me to be in any way introverted. I think I am way too extroverted for my own good and that almost always tends to lean towards getting myself into too much trouble than I bargained for. I am finally beginning to knowledgeably accept what everyone else has perceived all along and of which I have refused to admit, that I have this odd innate sense of rebellion and mischief in my blood stream that leads me to gravitate towards the very opposite of what is safe. Thus the lack of discipline in the right life choices because I would rather be involved with the immediately wanted instant gratification and desired impulse decisions. Go figure, but we all already knew that. What you want isn't what is necessarily good and right for you right? Right. My passionate nature leads me to not be very conservative (the only thing conservative about me would be with the way I dress on a daily basis) at all in life and actually catapult me into a way liberal and sort of quite wild categorical group. You can probably deduce that from my very open and opinionated personality. We are the only ones responsible for our own actions and choices, and should hope to always be brave enough to own up to it. If it's not one thing it's another.
But again I am rambling and my thoughts have run away with me again.
Bottom line: I just want to be better. I want to be a better person for myself because I am not liking who I have become. Or more so, not not liking who I have become (because if I weren't be then I wouldn't be me right?), but not liking the decisions and actions I make and execute for myself. I meant what I said when I spoke of needing to make better life choices. I am a good girl at heart as well as an existing self paradox. I know I'm most likely too hard on myself, we are our own worst critic after all, but if you can't or won't try to understand yourself and want to keep improving through life to maximize your own potential- then what's the point?
3 Favorites From 3 All Time Favorites
Consider this a sign, this is a train in the night. And now it's time for you to go.
Sucker love is heaven sent. You pucker up, our passion's spent.
So bad I can't think straight, so bad that my bones shake.
Sucker love is heaven sent. You pucker up, our passion's spent.
So bad I can't think straight, so bad that my bones shake.
One a.m. Random Thought- Truth
Sex and real kisses complicate everything. Alcohol, sex, and real kisses ruin anything.
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Tuesday, June 28, 2011
What
I've been feeling pretty okay for the past couple weeks (except sometimes at night, but that's normal and perfectly bearable). Not sad, not hysterically elated. Just normal. Which is really nice. Except right now I can't breathe. It suddenly just hit me. The sunken feeling creeping into my chest with resistance to dissipate. My chest fucking hurts. Quite unbearable, trying to shoo away the urge to cry. Wow. Good thing it's almost time for bed so tomorrow I may wake up for a new day with this hopefully gone. Everything always comes back to a full circle. Moment to moment though right?
Rainy Day Reminiscent
I love Nujabes, it's so sad that he passed away. So talented. I love listening to him on rainy days. His music is so chill. Here are a few favorites. Check out the lyrics and sound experiments. But more so, check out the lyrics.
Actually, check out the entire Luv(sic), there are 5 parts. 3 when he was alive and 2 after he passed away. But all so amazing, Shing02 is a great writer. I can't stress the lyrics enough. Hah but I'm not about to post them all, way too many. Though I absolutely love the lyrics to all these and more. I will however post one. Enjoy and cheers lovers.
Light as a feather when I'm floating through
reading through the daily news
measuring the hurt within the golden rule
centimeters in ether I'm heating the speaker
Motivational teacher with words that burn people
Seeing the headlines lined with discord and
see the genocide or the planet in uproar
Never good
The rules of paradise are never nice
The best laid plans of mice and men are never right
I'm just a vagabond with flowers for Algernon
The average joe who knows what the fuck is going on
Its the hope of my thoughts that I travel upon
Fly like an arrow of god until I'm gone
So drifting away like a feather in air
letting my words take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that is greater
So I'm drifting away like a feather in air
letting my soul take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that's greater
Taking chances, we're tap dancing with wolves
in an ice arena out there deep in the woods of Arizona.
The sun be high, Lifes ironic
ain't it trying to be talib when I write
surreal life I paint it vivid, habitat, crazy insane
Watching propaganda 6 o'clock news and
insane coaches clash, war, black folk and white trash
then rebel in the sniper's base that might crash
Dash to millennium and million miles of running
at the speed of now but I don't return gunning
Rambo style gung ho child gunning
ammo two times loud stunning
Stunning when it hit ya, lift ya right off the earth
like, hey yo, take ya back right to birth - and
Niggas wonder why. They might wonder why this shit might happen, but it does. They go
drifting away like a feather in air
letting my words take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that is greater
So I'm drifting away like a feather in air
letting my soul take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that's greater
Treat you better than me cause that's the heavenly key
to unlock the inner strength where my essence will be.
It's the knowledge of self understanding of the things around me that becomes the wisdom that I need.
Living this life to the best of my ability
Channeling energy to my thoughts until you see my dream.
Remember me because my pros remain gold
I got the gift of gab like this pimps in kangols
It never ends, I keep it rolling it like a cypher.
The first cave man bringing fire.
Innovating it higher
to blast mistakes I raise the stakes
It's double or nothing in this vacuum space
I will survive the avant of time, the cryer, the fucker, who the hide
I'm alive for pride and
I drove the Chevy to the levy but the levy was dry
Singing this will be the day that I die.
Actually, check out the entire Luv(sic), there are 5 parts. 3 when he was alive and 2 after he passed away. But all so amazing, Shing02 is a great writer. I can't stress the lyrics enough. Hah but I'm not about to post them all, way too many. Though I absolutely love the lyrics to all these and more. I will however post one. Enjoy and cheers lovers.
Light as a feather when I'm floating through
reading through the daily news
measuring the hurt within the golden rule
centimeters in ether I'm heating the speaker
Motivational teacher with words that burn people
Seeing the headlines lined with discord and
see the genocide or the planet in uproar
Never good
The rules of paradise are never nice
The best laid plans of mice and men are never right
I'm just a vagabond with flowers for Algernon
The average joe who knows what the fuck is going on
Its the hope of my thoughts that I travel upon
Fly like an arrow of god until I'm gone
So drifting away like a feather in air
letting my words take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that is greater
So I'm drifting away like a feather in air
letting my soul take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that's greater
Taking chances, we're tap dancing with wolves
in an ice arena out there deep in the woods of Arizona.
The sun be high, Lifes ironic
ain't it trying to be talib when I write
surreal life I paint it vivid, habitat, crazy insane
Watching propaganda 6 o'clock news and
insane coaches clash, war, black folk and white trash
then rebel in the sniper's base that might crash
Dash to millennium and million miles of running
at the speed of now but I don't return gunning
Rambo style gung ho child gunning
ammo two times loud stunning
Stunning when it hit ya, lift ya right off the earth
like, hey yo, take ya back right to birth - and
Niggas wonder why. They might wonder why this shit might happen, but it does. They go
drifting away like a feather in air
letting my words take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that is greater
So I'm drifting away like a feather in air
letting my soul take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that's greater
Treat you better than me cause that's the heavenly key
to unlock the inner strength where my essence will be.
It's the knowledge of self understanding of the things around me that becomes the wisdom that I need.
Living this life to the best of my ability
Channeling energy to my thoughts until you see my dream.
Remember me because my pros remain gold
I got the gift of gab like this pimps in kangols
It never ends, I keep it rolling it like a cypher.
The first cave man bringing fire.
Innovating it higher
to blast mistakes I raise the stakes
It's double or nothing in this vacuum space
I will survive the avant of time, the cryer, the fucker, who the hide
I'm alive for pride and
I drove the Chevy to the levy but the levy was dry
Singing this will be the day that I die.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Lackluster
I took the long way home today, but then again I tend to take the long way home every day now after work. I don't know why. Today has been a rollercoaster day. Right now I'm a bit grey. So I'm just going to write, hopefully something will be relieved.
I miss you, every day. My mind is so confused. I don't even know who I miss. I just know that I have this feeling in my chest. I just feel that I have a huge chunk missing; there's a major void in my chest that I wish could be filled. It does feel to be seemingly sort of filling up day by day and pain is beginning to really dissipate and slowly flow away, but other times whatever it is seems to be becoming replaced with other equally minor things. What do I have to do to feel free? Try and refrain away from trouble and it immediately doubles. My lack of discipline is continuing to hinder me in every which way possible. How do you even improve on it? I'm beginning to really feel like a life failure with my lack of real motivated ambition. I feel lost at times and really just want to quit life. I've been thinking about my personality and how much of a slacker I really am. It's pathetic. Everyone around me seems to be working so hard, and then there's me. The one who chooses to just get by and not want to work hard or go through anything. The one who wants everything just done for her. How am I this kind of person?
To be honest, I just feel so damn exhausted all the time, which is completely lame because my life is so fortunate and there is nothing wrong. I lead a completely spoiled life, and yet I'm useless and wasteful. All I have are my strongly rooted principles and morals, yet my lack of motivation for action is null. I feel already hopeless and defeated even before I have even tried. Too scared to try or just really don't care. I don't think I'm scared, am I just lazy? What the hell is wrong with me?
I've decided to discontinue my meds, only because I find it a major inconvenience to have to go see my physician and waste my insurance co-pay every time when the medication doesn't even seem to be working a bit.
I miss you, every day. My mind is so confused. I don't even know who I miss. I just know that I have this feeling in my chest. I just feel that I have a huge chunk missing; there's a major void in my chest that I wish could be filled. It does feel to be seemingly sort of filling up day by day and pain is beginning to really dissipate and slowly flow away, but other times whatever it is seems to be becoming replaced with other equally minor things. What do I have to do to feel free? Try and refrain away from trouble and it immediately doubles. My lack of discipline is continuing to hinder me in every which way possible. How do you even improve on it? I'm beginning to really feel like a life failure with my lack of real motivated ambition. I feel lost at times and really just want to quit life. I've been thinking about my personality and how much of a slacker I really am. It's pathetic. Everyone around me seems to be working so hard, and then there's me. The one who chooses to just get by and not want to work hard or go through anything. The one who wants everything just done for her. How am I this kind of person?
To be honest, I just feel so damn exhausted all the time, which is completely lame because my life is so fortunate and there is nothing wrong. I lead a completely spoiled life, and yet I'm useless and wasteful. All I have are my strongly rooted principles and morals, yet my lack of motivation for action is null. I feel already hopeless and defeated even before I have even tried. Too scared to try or just really don't care. I don't think I'm scared, am I just lazy? What the hell is wrong with me?
I've decided to discontinue my meds, only because I find it a major inconvenience to have to go see my physician and waste my insurance co-pay every time when the medication doesn't even seem to be working a bit.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Missed
Okay, I don't think I'll be forgetting to take my meds anymore. Even just a couple days of not taking it, there are still side effects (I should've already known this because this has happened before, but I guess I never learn my lesson do I?) because the drug is re-entering your body after it having left. I feel a bit sick at present, though I know it'll pass as always as my body becomes re-acclimated. But I don't think I want to feel sick again so I best focus on remembering to take my meds.
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