WHY?

I hate the screwy shit in life that is impossible to change no matter how much you want it to. The shit that makes you just so stuck that you're unable to reach your full potential.

I get so frustrated sometimes and so bottled up of emotions that I feel like I just want to scream. And yeah I'm not wired to cry when I'm sad, but when I am irate, I tear.

I'm so sick of my family life. I'm so sick of how I'm so rooted into my family that I can't ever get away from it and become my own person. My shitty traditional Chinese ideologies of what is honorable and what a good daughter should do is so ingrained in me that I can't escape no matter how much I wish I could. It's caused me to make so many fucking sacrifices that right now I can't stand it. I know I'm so fortunate to be living the life I am, but I wish I were as lucky as the lucky ones out there that don't have to worry about this shit. The ones that don't have to worry about money or the burden of family issues.

I hold it in when I am around them because a good daughter cannot explode. I do so on occasion but only when I just cannot take it anymore, but it's not a good thing to do and definitely not a good virtue. But I just get so frustrated sometimes that most of the time I just want to be alone. I don't want to even be around them.

I hear them just in disagreement constantly and fighting all the time and I hate it. And I hate to say it, but I sometimes wish I were born into a different life. I told Paul one day in border's when he tried to actually ask me something personal, which of course I immediately dodged and censored, that "it's just too hard sometimes." And it's true. Why do things have to be so hard? And that other people have it so easy?

The prettiest and skinniest are always so amazing and yet I, the hopelessly flawed one with only music and my passion for the English language to be there to even try to save me when I am hanging off of a fucking cliff.

I have the worst skin- a combination from my mother and father, I have the worst bone structure- scoliosis and big bones from my father's side, and I wish I were skinny, but I'm so curvy and thick I can't stand my own body. Everyday is an issue for me.

I have had my heart broken EVERY FUCKING TIME. My heart has been broken so many times that there are just holes, bruises, and scars everywhere. The last time I cut myself, I went in deep and now I have an ugly scar as a reminder. I'm so broken inside that I can't stand it. And I want to cut myself more, but people tend to question your wounds. You can't ignore an ugly wound. (And I'm actually astonished here at my honesty for it has taken me a long time to even admit to anyone about my coping mechanisms with shiny and sharp cutlery when I am left to my own vacant solitude and made up choice. believe me before I even make the decision I usually can talk myself out of it.)

My family is BROKE. I can't even get into that aspect.

Why is it that the lucky ones out there are just so damn lucky and the shitty ones just keep getting kicked to the fucking curb. You see? This is where I have an issue in terms of faith. I don't know what to believe in. If there were an all beneficiary "god" then why do the good people still get shitted on? I want to believe in something so badly, but I don't know if I can anymore.

I'm seriously breaking down.
And truth be told, I kind of just want it all to be over.

I'm Not Gonna Lie, I'm Drunk

I hate how sometimes I just want to cry so bad to make up for everything that makes up my hurt. But I can't because I'm wired differently. And nothing will come out anymore when I truly need it.

Day 1

This is Day 1.
Day 1 of me trying to live my life without any of you. I haven't been filtering out you guys as beneficially and efficiently as I usually do and am supposed to. And I need to. And I want to. (But we all know just how poorly disciplined I am in the things that I have to do or should do haha. I'm working on it) I'm so sick of the opposite sex and relationships and lust or infatuation. I'm so sick of anything to do with any of that. So sick of the expectation, anticipation, and all the emotions that cloud everything all up. And it's not just those of the opposite sex! It's just everyone in general with the few select close lovelies whom I call my true friends. Just people that tend to piss me off on a daily basis. And usually I never use the word "piss" or any form relating to the word because I fully loathe vulgarity or phonetically ugly words. But I really feel like I'm surrounded by stupid people, all the time. Do any of you ever feel like that? Like you are just so different and don't fit into the environment you're forced to be submerged in? I'm constantly becoming irritated because of just how stupid the "unnecessaries" inhabited by others are. And it's a shame because i know there is so much more to life than this. I'm just stuck in an inbetween right now.

And I feel like for the first time in a while, I really just want to be alone and left alone to do my own thing. I'm so sick of everything and I just want my own peace of mind and solitude. And I actually am quite content and happy about this resolution I've come to.
So this is Day 1. Day 1 of trying this new method. I don't mean shut the world out "emo" style. (Though I do love to do that sometimes.) But more so greater focus on my own being and not putting having to put up with other people or things that I don't want to deal with. I've always said that we're old enough to filter out just who and what we want in our lives and don't want in our lives. And I've seemed to have lost own of my rules to live by as this quarter's mediocrity has taken its influence on me. It's time I regain it back by applying it. This may be the beginning of a new catharsis. How exciting.

Life, Or Something Like It

Life's a trip. A big one. The only thing that keeps me moving forward is the eternal hope of the sublime goal. Inevitable happiness that will ultimately heal my soul and entire being. Someday it'll meet me more than halfway. It has to.

Alex & Sam

So I just came across the unsigned group called Alex & Sam, they are a sort of indie/folk group. But their song "The One" has a bit of a different feel to it. And I have to admit, I'm in love with it. It's a bit wistful and romantic set behind a slightly jazzy/bluesy feel. I have a thing for slow jazz/blues. There's something romantic about it to me.

Anyways, that's not what I wanted to discuss though. I just wanted to say with a wistful sighh, (I realized I've used wistful twice in this entry in a short period of time, but that's the kind of mood I am in now and it is the word I chose to milk for all its worth. Mind you, I'm not in a bad mood, in fact wistful is a rather great and sweet mood)

It's just too bad, for we could be so beautiful.

Uhuh

Sometimes I truly believe that the only thing that can save me is music. Right now is one of those moments. I don't want to do anything anymore. (Like serious recluse style) I don't even really feel like being social though I do have many social opportunities. I'm just not feeling anything and I don't know the reason why.

All I want to do is stay in bed all the time and for it to rain. I'm feeling kind of meh and I have no idea why. Or it could be just that mid-quarter slump and me having a mad case of senioritis. I haven't been going to my classes regularly and I've lost momentum as well as motivation. Tired of this routine and already ready for this quarter to be over. Bleh. I also am completely procrastinating on my essay but I have plenty of time to do that for it is due tomorrow by midnight.

For right now I just feel like lying on my bed and listening to music. Usually when I am at home, that doesn't happen very often unless I am soaking in the tub after a long and rough day. But right now, I don't know. I must be in some sort of mood; I just can't pinpoint it yet. But I know the only thing keeping my spirits from plunging into an endless abyss right now is music. Oh and the smell of the autumn air doesn't hurt either if you're just that lucky enough to catch a gust of it that makes the smallest moment beautiful. Is it weird that that is one of the things I love? The certain way the air smells sometimes? For that fleeting second, the true world reveals itself and things become simpler and clearer again just long enough for my self preservation to work a bit overtime to keep me sane.

Blue Moon Tuesday

So I'm feeling a lot better now. I guess I just had to pull myself out of the mood. That's how most things go right? So me and my friends are having a blog/LAN party as we speak. It's kind of fun and we're sipping on a couple of Blue Moon Belgian-Style Wheat Ale beers. Pretty sweet for a chill Tuesday and really good with orange slices. If you've never tried it with orange slices before, you really must. Once you've done it, you can never go back.

I really have nothing much to say right now because this blog was spur of the moment so more depth will come in due time. I'm sure of it. Though I hope you all are having a lovely Tuesday. Oh! I almost forgot, I'm going to see the Pixies in concert tomorrow at the Palladium. And Weezer has a new song out that is so fucking cute. Sweeeet. (:

It had me at the title; I gotta love it.

I'd Rather Stay In Bed

So Monster Massive was last night and I was completely not feeling it and I think it's left me unbalanced again. Or maybe it was a long time coming and I was overdue for a mood change. I'm not sure. My mental state of mind and chest feels differently like there's something unsettling there. And I'm not sure why. I don't want the start of the week to begin. There is so much to do and so many obligations pulling at me all at once. And I don't want to do any of it. All I want to do is just stay in bed and sleep the rest of the week away. This weekend was fun but I feel like seriously resorting back to filling up my hermitting quota.

Because Blood Is Thicker Than Water

At least that what they say right? What does that even really mean? Why compare blood to water? Unless you really want to dig deeper and break it down. I guess you could compare water to the fact that our bodies are made of what 95% water? I'm sure I've got the statistics wrong. (another reason thus proving that I am indeed an English major) So I guess that would make sense. But I still don't know where that phrase came from.

Anyways I digress. Right now I am taking a slight break from gathering all of my materials and studying the piece along with 3 other translations I have chosen to analyze and discuss before I begin my midterm paper for my Middle English literature class. Sounds so fun right? The reading of poetry and prose yes, the hard stuff such as the difficulty in reading Old English, not so much, but the feeling of productivity and actual acknowledgment of knowledge retainment, priceless and what we all strive to hope for when we choose to take a class yes? Yet the beyond bummer thought of having to write this paper that isn't too tough of a task for me to do still supercedes the priceless feeling. I cannot wait for this quarter to be over already. I think it's just the production of my classes that I thought were going to be great but turned out to be sub par.

Okay I know I digressed again.
So the main point of this entry, can you guess it? Family of coz. (When I spell things wrong it is on purpose to make emphasis in a different tone and voice in my head that in person would make a lot more sense but for now a virtual substitution will just have to suffice)

So I came home early from school today so that I could recharge to have enough prolonged energy to write my term paper. My father and brother came home early surprisingly early enough for us all to have dinner together. My father happily cooked us all a fabulous simple Chinese/Taiwanese meal. And then the toleration and understanding of the need to tolerate certain remarks and personalities kicked in. But I have already divulged plenty about those specific problems and this entry is not about that so much.

This entry is about how my father notifying us that he will be returning back to China (his routine business trips that go way back to when I can't even remember) again soon this Saturday. My mother is in Japan right now on vacation and she is said to be returning on Sunday. This fact hit me as a bit odd because as a child one examines and knows the behavior of their parents up to a certain extent quite well enough to know when something is out of the ordinary. And they have never been not here far away out of the state separately before. Granted my parents are always gone but when they are both gone, they are gone together on business trips to the east coast. The standard protocol is waiting for my mother to get back so that my father can then leave. (You know, leaving the "children" behind is not "what is done")

I don't know how I feel about this. No, actually I do know how I feel. I'm a bit shocked, confused and the heart sunken feeling is a bit greater in my chest at the moment. But you deal. I deal. You deal because you have to and that there is no other choice. That how the impossible gets done. That's how things get done.

I've never understood how people could not get a job done such as finish a paper by the deadline. They seemed to have "run out of time." I always am able to finish by just cranking what needs to be done out of me. I finish because there is no other option. Because it has to be done. Because there is no other way it can be. That's how things get done.

I just find it odd. And at the same time I feel a horrible sadness for my parents. I wish they were and could be eternally happy. I wish things were different and that it all were enough. But it's not enough. Nothing is enough in this broken family and their broken lives. It's never enough, unfortunately. Shitty life that somehow manages to screw each and everyone one of us sometime or another made it just as so.

I know I am tied down so completely by the roots they've implanted in me when I was created. I know because of my family that there will always be things I will have to sacrifice and not be able to do because of these burdens. I know it's unreasonable and unfair to say that this burden is on me being as I am the youngest of me and my brother. And who am I to think that and make is seem like it is worse than my parents' issues. But that's not what I am saying, I know my problems are completely minute compared to theirs and others. But what I am saying is in terms of my brother and his ties to the family, he's broken free without looking back because our personalities ethics and morals are completely opposite. But he's wasting that gift and opportunity so badly.

I have come to realize that now and more and more as the time nears for me to graduate and decide what I want to do for my life, the opportunities that are so reachable diminish because I know they can't be those options for me. There is so much I want to do in life that is far greater than the boundaries of these 150 mile radii, but I know my weakness of not wanting to leave my family and break free from them because of the hurt and loneliness I know they will in ultimately feel will be detrimental.

I know I am 21yrs old and "should" be old enough to take this and handle it in a "mature" fashion. But really now? When is one old enough? Is it even about age? Age isn't anything but a number right? Or is it more about mentality? And if so, when are you mentally mature enough to handle extreme issues? The thing is there never is a right age or time. You figure out a way to deal in order to survive. (Survive meaning live life the best way you know how or can. Not literally for all you literary impaired)

Ugh and now to begin my paper. This should be fun.

Reflexivity?

So it suddenly just hit me. (Err.. well sort of after my trials of mental processing today) And I think I need to do some major improvement in myself and for my entire being. I need to seriously focus more on myself and how I can be better in terms of my own standards. I think I managed to put on hold, without knowing it, my constant strive for self improvement. It's like I maybe lost myself in the mist of all the newness of events. Like maybe I broke off too many pieces of myself to give away enough so that I maybe lost myself along the way. Haha does that make sense? I'm sure it's a bit confusing. It is even to myself.

I really need to work on focusing on solely myself and my own priorities that don't involve other factors that cloud my own spirit. I need to think ahead about the decisions I make. Perhaps then I'll begin to feel grounded again.