At least that what they say right? What does that even really mean? Why compare blood to water? Unless you really want to dig deeper and break it down. I guess you could compare water to the fact that our bodies are made of what 95% water? I'm sure I've got the statistics wrong. (another reason thus proving that I am indeed an English major) So I guess that would make sense. But I still don't know where that phrase came from.
Anyways I digress. Right now I am taking a slight break from gathering all of my materials and studying the piece along with 3 other translations I have chosen to analyze and discuss before I begin my midterm paper for my Middle English literature class. Sounds so fun right? The reading of poetry and prose yes, the hard stuff such as the difficulty in reading Old English, not so much, but the feeling of productivity and actual acknowledgment of knowledge retainment, priceless and what we all strive to hope for when we choose to take a class yes? Yet the beyond bummer thought of having to write this paper that isn't too tough of a task for me to do still supercedes the priceless feeling. I cannot wait for this quarter to be over already. I think it's just the production of my classes that I thought were going to be great but turned out to be sub par.
Okay I know I digressed again.
So the main point of this entry, can you guess it? Family of coz. (When I spell things wrong it is on purpose to make emphasis in a different tone and voice in my head that in person would make a lot more sense but for now a virtual substitution will just have to suffice)
So I came home early from school today so that I could recharge to have enough prolonged energy to write my term paper. My father and brother came home early surprisingly early enough for us all to have dinner together. My father happily cooked us all a fabulous simple Chinese/Taiwanese meal. And then the toleration and understanding of the need to tolerate certain remarks and personalities kicked in. But I have already divulged plenty about those specific problems and this entry is not about that so much.
This entry is about how my father notifying us that he will be returning back to China (his routine business trips that go way back to when I can't even remember) again soon this Saturday. My mother is in Japan right now on vacation and she is said to be returning on Sunday. This fact hit me as a bit odd because as a child one examines and knows the behavior of their parents up to a certain extent quite well enough to know when something is out of the ordinary. And they have never been not here far away out of the state separately before. Granted my parents are always gone but when they are both gone, they are gone together on business trips to the east coast. The standard protocol is waiting for my mother to get back so that my father can then leave. (You know, leaving the "children" behind is not "what is done")
I don't know how I feel about this. No, actually I do know how I feel. I'm a bit shocked, confused and the heart sunken feeling is a bit greater in my chest at the moment. But you deal. I deal. You deal because you have to and that there is no other choice. That how the impossible gets done. That's how things get done.
I've never understood how people could not get a job done such as finish a paper by the deadline. They seemed to have "run out of time." I always am able to finish by just cranking what needs to be done out of me. I finish because there is no other option. Because it has to be done. Because there is no other way it can be. That's how things get done.
I just find it odd. And at the same time I feel a horrible sadness for my parents. I wish they were and could be eternally happy. I wish things were different and that it all were enough. But it's not enough. Nothing is enough in this broken family and their broken lives. It's never enough, unfortunately. Shitty life that somehow manages to screw each and everyone one of us sometime or another made it just as so.
I know I am tied down so completely by the roots they've implanted in me when I was created. I know because of my family that there will always be things I will have to sacrifice and not be able to do because of these burdens. I know it's unreasonable and unfair to say that this burden is on me being as I am the youngest of me and my brother. And who am I to think that and make is seem like it is worse than my parents' issues. But that's not what I am saying, I know my problems are completely minute compared to theirs and others. But what I am saying is in terms of my brother and his ties to the family, he's broken free without looking back because our personalities ethics and morals are completely opposite. But he's wasting that gift and opportunity so badly.
I have come to realize that now and more and more as the time nears for me to graduate and decide what I want to do for my life, the opportunities that are so reachable diminish because I know they can't be those options for me. There is so much I want to do in life that is far greater than the boundaries of these 150 mile radii, but I know my weakness of not wanting to leave my family and break free from them because of the hurt and loneliness I know they will in ultimately feel will be detrimental.
I know I am 21yrs old and "should" be old enough to take this and handle it in a "mature" fashion. But really now? When is one old enough? Is it even about age? Age isn't anything but a number right? Or is it more about mentality? And if so, when are you mentally mature enough to handle extreme issues? The thing is there never is a right age or time. You figure out a way to deal in order to survive. (Survive meaning live life the best way you know how or can. Not literally for all you literary impaired)
Ugh and now to begin my paper. This should be fun.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Reflexivity?
So it suddenly just hit me. (Err.. well sort of after my trials of mental processing today) And I think I need to do some major improvement in myself and for my entire being. I need to seriously focus more on myself and how I can be better in terms of my own standards. I think I managed to put on hold, without knowing it, my constant strive for self improvement. It's like I maybe lost myself in the mist of all the newness of events. Like maybe I broke off too many pieces of myself to give away enough so that I maybe lost myself along the way. Haha does that make sense? I'm sure it's a bit confusing. It is even to myself.
I really need to work on focusing on solely myself and my own priorities that don't involve other factors that cloud my own spirit. I need to think ahead about the decisions I make. Perhaps then I'll begin to feel grounded again.
I really need to work on focusing on solely myself and my own priorities that don't involve other factors that cloud my own spirit. I need to think ahead about the decisions I make. Perhaps then I'll begin to feel grounded again.
It Isn't Poetic, It's Hollow
I've wanted to repost this entry into my blog a couple of days ago but with the blogger outage that happened, it was delayed. But here is it and this entry is so beautiful that I felt I had to talk about it. The words Elle wrote are so exact and poetic. The picture Le Love posted with it is also so beautiful and pure art in a way that I can't even find the right words right now to even express how I feel about this entire entry. But for a girl who used to lay in the street at night and look up at the sky, everything about this is beautiful.
like death without the sleeping part
weheartit
The sound of a heart breaking isn’t poetic. It is hollow. It is tragic. It calls for rituals – the denial, the shock, the anger, the disappointment, culminating in hopelessness. Just like a shrinking white star slowly collapsing inwardly, with memory drawn from every breath a blow. It’s like death without the sleeping part.
-elle
I hope you love it as much as I do.
like death without the sleeping part
weheartit
The sound of a heart breaking isn’t poetic. It is hollow. It is tragic. It calls for rituals – the denial, the shock, the anger, the disappointment, culminating in hopelessness. Just like a shrinking white star slowly collapsing inwardly, with memory drawn from every breath a blow. It’s like death without the sleeping part.
-elle
I hope you love it as much as I do.
What Did You Expect?
Honestly? The emotional part of me feels like this: It is what it is because I couldn't afford to be the one to be the first to put myself out there. Because I was scared as hell to do it again. But I wanted you to do something; I was waiting for you to take the initiative and wanted you to make me. But the door is now closed. You closed it before even giving it a try the right way. People are so dense.
It's crazy how I'm more affected by the what could have been than what really is in front of me considering all factors. Being a girl and having all these fluctuating hormones is a trip and makes me laugh hard sometimes.
The real sense part of me feels like this: The sad part is that I knew it wouldn't have worked out given out personalities and I was okay with that. It was just too off. But it wouldn't have hurt to try and it might have even been fun. The sad part is how much this doesn't even seem to remotely affect you, but somehow I've managed to let it affect me the little tiny bit that I have let it. But regardless I do what I do best, which is to keep moving forward. And I'm already over it. Good game.
Shit's DUNZO.
***3:39p.m.
Oh I failed to mention I bought a new book a day ago which I am dying to indulge in. (Though I have yet to finish reading the other three books in the side bar. Though I put them on hold months and weeks ago. Haha!) Cheers.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
"Because That Is Just What Is Done And What A Good Daughter Does"
So I just spent the day just spending time with my father because I don't want him to be lonely when my mother is gone. As I am putting all my thoughts down virtually I'm sitting here and I can't seem to find the right words to say to express my sentiments. I can't seem to find the correct words to accurately portray whatever it is I'm feeling at the moment so forgive me if my words seem less than up to par today and more random and incohesive than normal.
So here goes.
I know that just being around my mother or father gives them a sense of comfort. To know that I am home and just there. It evokes a calmness wrapped up with the comfort of unity and what was for my parents. I feel that it serves to benefit them and ease their daily burdens they will carry along with them for the rest of their lives. I feel that if there is one thing I can do, it is to try to ease their turmoil regardless of my own. Because my troubles don't matter to me so much in terms of the whole picture, but theirs matter to me. I can't say I've been exceptional at trying to be a good daughter, at times I may even be quite unpleasant, but I do try to manage and do what I can given the circumstances. Deep down despite my liberal nature, I am a good girl and good daughter. It's in my blood and will always be there.
It's difficult. The pressure of family. I try hard but sometimes it's unbearable. I spend time with him and the whole time he's asking for his own reassurance in petty matters that obviously stem from a greater deep rooted issue. But not only is he asking for constant reassurance of whether or not whatever he happily cooked for me is the best of the best, he's also putting down the comparisons of my mother's skills as well. He has this way of tongue that whenever he says something always sounds so spiteful and vindictive whenever he speaks about or to my mother. I just don't understand why it has to be such a competition for him. Why he always wants to one up my mother. It's not a competition. Competition shouldn't even be a factor. The comparisons shouldn't even be there because it's just one of those things in two completely different categories that can't be compared. (I'm sorry, I'm a bit lazy right now to be slightly more than loquacious and articulative at the moment, bare with me)
He's also constantly criticizing what I'm doing all at the same time. How can there be a hope to grow into something greater and better if the only thing to develop from it is negativity?
It's like I can never be just good enough for both of my parents.
I have explained issues with my father in my entry The Dreaded Topic.
It's just so hard sometimes. I find myself saying that a lot lately. "It's just hard, I wish things were easier" in fact I said that last night. The pressures and unresolvable issues that will forever be there no matter how much I wish it would disappear. And I hate myself for not being able to sometimes bear all of their personality and behavior to just suck it up, all the frustrations and just put my stubbornness aside to just make them happy by just being around them. I hate myself for even thinking and feeling the negative thoughts sometimes of just wanting to be left alone and sometimes feeling a slight hatred whenever the nagging becomes too unyielding. I know "it's because they care" but goddamn this must be some warped and twisted Chinese way to love a child that will eventually scar them for their entire lives. Why does it have to be that way? Some fucking tradition. (Someone told me last night while in a bookstore that he hated Asian literature because they always seem to have the most emotional issues and baggage because of their stoicism and because of their supposed submissive nature that produces a stream of heavy baggage to affect their entire lives, they are expected to be and have the most forceful sentiments) It seems confusing but it all seems to make sense to me and interconnects everything to me as a whole.
And then I feel guilty for even thinking those negative thoughts. It's just so infuriating and overwhelming sometimes. It's too fucking much sometimes so much that it makes me want to scream "LEAVE ME ALONE" whenever I'm around them. I love them to death and hands down would rather have something bad happen to me in place of anything harming them ever. I wish I could take away all of their pain, unhappiness, and dissatisfaction. I wish our family was really all sunshine and rainbows.
So I paid my father company until I couldn't do it anymore. It always starts out as a good idea and then slowly but steadily the subtle and not so subtle hints of negativity that seem to infuriate me so come out. And it makes me feel like such a failure as a daughter because I can't even do this one thing for him. But I tried for 5 good hours.
So here goes.
I know that just being around my mother or father gives them a sense of comfort. To know that I am home and just there. It evokes a calmness wrapped up with the comfort of unity and what was for my parents. I feel that it serves to benefit them and ease their daily burdens they will carry along with them for the rest of their lives. I feel that if there is one thing I can do, it is to try to ease their turmoil regardless of my own. Because my troubles don't matter to me so much in terms of the whole picture, but theirs matter to me. I can't say I've been exceptional at trying to be a good daughter, at times I may even be quite unpleasant, but I do try to manage and do what I can given the circumstances. Deep down despite my liberal nature, I am a good girl and good daughter. It's in my blood and will always be there.
It's difficult. The pressure of family. I try hard but sometimes it's unbearable. I spend time with him and the whole time he's asking for his own reassurance in petty matters that obviously stem from a greater deep rooted issue. But not only is he asking for constant reassurance of whether or not whatever he happily cooked for me is the best of the best, he's also putting down the comparisons of my mother's skills as well. He has this way of tongue that whenever he says something always sounds so spiteful and vindictive whenever he speaks about or to my mother. I just don't understand why it has to be such a competition for him. Why he always wants to one up my mother. It's not a competition. Competition shouldn't even be a factor. The comparisons shouldn't even be there because it's just one of those things in two completely different categories that can't be compared. (I'm sorry, I'm a bit lazy right now to be slightly more than loquacious and articulative at the moment, bare with me)
He's also constantly criticizing what I'm doing all at the same time. How can there be a hope to grow into something greater and better if the only thing to develop from it is negativity?
It's like I can never be just good enough for both of my parents.
I have explained issues with my father in my entry The Dreaded Topic.
It's just so hard sometimes. I find myself saying that a lot lately. "It's just hard, I wish things were easier" in fact I said that last night. The pressures and unresolvable issues that will forever be there no matter how much I wish it would disappear. And I hate myself for not being able to sometimes bear all of their personality and behavior to just suck it up, all the frustrations and just put my stubbornness aside to just make them happy by just being around them. I hate myself for even thinking and feeling the negative thoughts sometimes of just wanting to be left alone and sometimes feeling a slight hatred whenever the nagging becomes too unyielding. I know "it's because they care" but goddamn this must be some warped and twisted Chinese way to love a child that will eventually scar them for their entire lives. Why does it have to be that way? Some fucking tradition. (Someone told me last night while in a bookstore that he hated Asian literature because they always seem to have the most emotional issues and baggage because of their stoicism and because of their supposed submissive nature that produces a stream of heavy baggage to affect their entire lives, they are expected to be and have the most forceful sentiments) It seems confusing but it all seems to make sense to me and interconnects everything to me as a whole.
And then I feel guilty for even thinking those negative thoughts. It's just so infuriating and overwhelming sometimes. It's too fucking much sometimes so much that it makes me want to scream "LEAVE ME ALONE" whenever I'm around them. I love them to death and hands down would rather have something bad happen to me in place of anything harming them ever. I wish I could take away all of their pain, unhappiness, and dissatisfaction. I wish our family was really all sunshine and rainbows.
So I paid my father company until I couldn't do it anymore. It always starts out as a good idea and then slowly but steadily the subtle and not so subtle hints of negativity that seem to infuriate me so come out. And it makes me feel like such a failure as a daughter because I can't even do this one thing for him. But I tried for 5 good hours.
10 Minutes Til 3a.m.
I hate how I feel so much like crying sometimes and that I never can. I wish so bad that I could cry physically so that some way it could somehow relieve the pent up and bottled up as well as repressed emotions that have been circulating within my body and my entire being and soul for so long. I hate that I am really ultimately so broken when it all comes down to it. I'm afraid that I'm so defective that it isn't possible for me to lead a normal and happy life let alone be around normal people. I find myself just curbing the truth and avoiding topics.
I'm so afraid to just let people in now. And I'm sorry that it's just so hard for me to do so. I don't think I know how to let people in anymore. I'm just so scared that I'll end up getting screwed over and hurt again. I don't think I could chance it again or have that happen again. I don't think I have that bit of hope in me anymore to be able to risk it all again.
I'm so afraid to just let people in now. And I'm sorry that it's just so hard for me to do so. I don't think I know how to let people in anymore. I'm just so scared that I'll end up getting screwed over and hurt again. I don't think I could chance it again or have that happen again. I don't think I have that bit of hope in me anymore to be able to risk it all again.
Okay Really
Last night I was planning to write an entry but due to the mishap of the blogger outage, it was not possible. (Thank you so much blogger technicians for correction the errors, you've saved the souls and spirits of an impossible many)
Anyways, so as I have said, my mother has gone away for a bit for a much deserved vacation without the baggage.
As I was throwing my litter into the trash, I saw an empty liquor bottle in the bin. I have noticed liquor bottles within the years. And to be honest, I'm scared that my father begun to resort to intoxicating himself to feel less lonely. My brother has mentioned it to me once in the past but I've tried to just repress it and hope for the best. No one wants to hear the real damage and messiness of reality. It's true. So they choose to just ignore the obvious in hopes of a better feigned sort of reality.
I'm sorry, that I love you so dearly and yet can still do nothing to ease your poor quality of life. Shit happens. Life screws you, and you deal. I wish that I could ease and make my entire family happy, but thus it is ultimately impossible. (Fuck the overused cliche that anything is possible, because it's fucking not. For those of you that believe so, I hope you learn soon the real harsh truth of it all)
It's just so too bad that this is what it is right?
Anyways, so as I have said, my mother has gone away for a bit for a much deserved vacation without the baggage.
As I was throwing my litter into the trash, I saw an empty liquor bottle in the bin. I have noticed liquor bottles within the years. And to be honest, I'm scared that my father begun to resort to intoxicating himself to feel less lonely. My brother has mentioned it to me once in the past but I've tried to just repress it and hope for the best. No one wants to hear the real damage and messiness of reality. It's true. So they choose to just ignore the obvious in hopes of a better feigned sort of reality.
I'm sorry, that I love you so dearly and yet can still do nothing to ease your poor quality of life. Shit happens. Life screws you, and you deal. I wish that I could ease and make my entire family happy, but thus it is ultimately impossible. (Fuck the overused cliche that anything is possible, because it's fucking not. For those of you that believe so, I hope you learn soon the real harsh truth of it all)
It's just so too bad that this is what it is right?
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
What A Fucking Waste
So I may be starting to PMS, but I'm slightly perturbed. By people who have had more than enough privileges and opportunities when growing up and those that are far more fortunate and well off income wise without having to work for it. (Mind you I'm speaking about people my age) Not to say that all are like this, but the fact that they just don't understand the concept of money and how hard it is to come by. For example, those that complain and feel like it's a hassle to HAVE to go on a vacation say to Europe with their family. Oh god your life must be so fucking rough to deal with this difficult day to day stupid hassles and inconveniences. I don't know if it's because I'm Chinese and that it's in my blood to be frugal, but I feel like they just can't seem to understand how things aren't just that easy. Just because something breaks, it doesn't mean it's just that easy to go out and buy a new one. Money is an issue; it's not something that can just be taken lightly. I hate money, I hate what it does to people and I hate everything that comes along with it. I hate it, but we all desperately need it to live.
I just don't understand how people just don't have the fucking sense in them to understand that it isn't all fucking sunshine and rainbows with everyone in the world. Especially with the faltering economy right now, everything SUCKS.
It just pisses me off that some people just don't even know!It's such a waste of a mind. Like they don't have that ability or depth to understand. I just wish they had better sense about things. Enough sense to understand that some things can't be compared or grouped together because of different factors involved. It doesn't work that way.
Some people are just for fortunate and they take it forgranted. They don't see how lucky they are to not have to worry about financial stability or anything else for the matter. They don't see how lucky they are. It gets to me so badly that people are so damn lucky and they don't fucking see it. A million people plus one, plus me, would kill to be in their shoes, die to be in their place.
I don't know, maybe they just have a bit more growing up to do, maybe a lot more growing up and understanding to do (the sad part is that some won't ever learn), but god stop fucking crowding me with your insipid lack of logic and stop pissing me off!
I just don't understand how people just don't have the fucking sense in them to understand that it isn't all fucking sunshine and rainbows with everyone in the world. Especially with the faltering economy right now, everything SUCKS.
It just pisses me off that some people just don't even know!It's such a waste of a mind. Like they don't have that ability or depth to understand. I just wish they had better sense about things. Enough sense to understand that some things can't be compared or grouped together because of different factors involved. It doesn't work that way.
Some people are just for fortunate and they take it forgranted. They don't see how lucky they are to not have to worry about financial stability or anything else for the matter. They don't see how lucky they are. It gets to me so badly that people are so damn lucky and they don't fucking see it. A million people plus one, plus me, would kill to be in their shoes, die to be in their place.
I don't know, maybe they just have a bit more growing up to do, maybe a lot more growing up and understanding to do (the sad part is that some won't ever learn), but god stop fucking crowding me with your insipid lack of logic and stop pissing me off!
Le Japan
So I came home late today about almost 1a.m. and took a shower and groomed a bit. My mother came into my room and told me her big news. That she would be making a trip to Japan until the 1st of November for vacation. To be honest, I'm really happy for her. I want her to be happy. She absolutely deserves a break for some fun with the girls. And I'll definitely miss her.
The thing is, I'm worried about my father and how he's going to be until she comes back. I'm worried and sad. I'm sad that he's so lonely and just that lonely. But I guess since he has his computer and big screen television that he should be okay. It's very difficult for me to connect with my father. He has never really been around for my entire life and although everyone loves to be hopeful and use the overused cliche of "it's never too late," it actually is. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but the gap is too big and he's been living in China's naive and childlike bubble for his whole lifetime. It's just too hard. As rudimentary a statement as it is. It's true and I have no other way to put it. Because I know that my brother has already disconnected himself from the family, I'll definitely try to have dinner with him or keep him company on the weekends whenever I can because that's what I do. That's what a good daughter does and I still love him immensely as do the rest of my family. And I always will.
It definitely is rough, but I feel like someone has to be the one to try and keep the family together. It's rooted in my entire being. It may be just a mere part, but a part it still is and I can't deny nor detach away from it. The strings will always be there and the burden will always be there. But good night for now.
The thing is, I'm worried about my father and how he's going to be until she comes back. I'm worried and sad. I'm sad that he's so lonely and just that lonely. But I guess since he has his computer and big screen television that he should be okay. It's very difficult for me to connect with my father. He has never really been around for my entire life and although everyone loves to be hopeful and use the overused cliche of "it's never too late," it actually is. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but the gap is too big and he's been living in China's naive and childlike bubble for his whole lifetime. It's just too hard. As rudimentary a statement as it is. It's true and I have no other way to put it. Because I know that my brother has already disconnected himself from the family, I'll definitely try to have dinner with him or keep him company on the weekends whenever I can because that's what I do. That's what a good daughter does and I still love him immensely as do the rest of my family. And I always will.
It definitely is rough, but I feel like someone has to be the one to try and keep the family together. It's rooted in my entire being. It may be just a mere part, but a part it still is and I can't deny nor detach away from it. The strings will always be there and the burden will always be there. But good night for now.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Newly Renovated
So I have just spent the past 5-9 hours cleaning, moving out all my pack rat sentimental junk, moving in new furniture, vacuuming every which way to get every speck of debris and dust, and moving back in my stuff while organizing it a lot bit better. Haha. And I've got to tell you. I'm LOVING my new room! I now have a full sized bed as opposed to my single sized bed that I could barely toss and turn in let alone with my pillow forts that I so love to build. I also have a new desk that I'm loving. Everything is in a different place and though I feel like I need to use a coaster now in my room (HAHA it's true! I do feel that way) I love love love it. My room feels more open and spacious and less cluttered. Some kind of catharsis eh? Don't you just love that word? Because I know I do.
Not a bad consolation to not being able to paint my room. Sighh, but a girl can dream can't she? I hope you all are having a lovely week! I know I am! And tomorrow, or should I say in a couple of hours (I count days when I wake up, not necessarily when I stay up late) it will be friday. One of the best days of the week! And a weekend full of fun fun fun. (:
Through the weather has reverted back to a stifling heat and with the past rain the air has now become slightly humid. I loathe humid air because it makes it difficult to breathe, but it's okay and bearable because tomorrow is friday! Harhar and I'm in such a good mood.
I hope you all have a lovely weekend! I know I will. <3
Not a bad consolation to not being able to paint my room. Sighh, but a girl can dream can't she? I hope you all are having a lovely week! I know I am! And tomorrow, or should I say in a couple of hours (I count days when I wake up, not necessarily when I stay up late) it will be friday. One of the best days of the week! And a weekend full of fun fun fun. (:
Through the weather has reverted back to a stifling heat and with the past rain the air has now become slightly humid. I loathe humid air because it makes it difficult to breathe, but it's okay and bearable because tomorrow is friday! Harhar and I'm in such a good mood.
I hope you all have a lovely weekend! I know I will. <3
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