Wow

Okay, I am not doing this with you, nor anyone else. I still maintain the fact that I really do not want to date right now. And thought we've only been 'talking' for less than 2 weeks, I need a break from you. I'm beginning to feel smothered. Perhaps this is my fault for being so extroverted.

I went into this 'talking' with indifference; it didn't matter if it went somewhere or if we stayed friends. You're a really nice guy, but the problem is that, you're the same age as I. I'm not trying to be somebody's mother and I definitely do not and refuse to baby people. I've always just related better with older human beings.

We grow older and mature for a reason. Life gets better with time. I'm searching for an intellectual equal. I am not the kind of person to spoon feed, sugarcoat, or hold anyone's hand; I'm not the sort of person to join in on the pity and sympathy of those who feel sorry for themselves. I gauge my empathy neutrally and logically as a whole rather than on superficial obstacles. I can only give advice and support so far, but I refuse to do your own heavy lifting for you. I told you, I am the kind of person to be there for people but not actually be there. I don't interfere nor preach. I have my own opinions but I still support and accept any endeavor people choose to execute. Everything about me is ultimately neutral and subjective. It's their lives, not mine.

As I want everyone to stop telling me, who or how I should be, or what I should or shouldn't do, I treat others how I would like to be treated. It's my life and my decision how to live it. Which is why I'm not going to tell you how to live your life even if others do. I'm not going to make your decisions for you. (and this entire entry actually applies to a lot of people out there in the majority)

Everyone has the capability to take care of themselves when they get to the age of a young adult. Stop sulking and do something about it then; stop being so goddamn pouty and clingy, you're sensitive and hurt feelings act is not going to work on me. In fact, it just repels me even more. It might work for others, but your act only works on an audience and you'll only be able to get away with it for so long. Take a look at the big picture. Maybe there's a reason why things have gone the way they have for you. When nothing has worked, stop blaming others and holding grudges, instead, look at your own actions to break it down and understand. Stop making up excuses and see things simply and neutrally for what they are.

There is a difference between actively trying to get over something and then passively acknowledging it. It takes more willpower and mentality than that. Constant sulking and whining is not going to get you anywhere. If at first you don't succeed, you fucking keep on trying and deal with all the stumbles and occasional ditches with strength. There can and probably will be quite a few relapses, but as long as you keep fucking trying to move forward, you're good. It's when you let yourself indulge in the exaggerated and pointless sulking that you start to become useless and ridiculous. Take the necessary impact period to completely wallow out your emotional trauma, but then after all that, friggen help yourself to move forward. Don't drag it out to your advantage. You can't gain respect from people if they're interacting only through pity and sad sympathy. Have some dignity and respect for yourself. That's no way to live a life.

I understand everyone takes things at their own pace, but you've got to actively want to try and learn how to help yourself. Don't just sit back and do nothing everyday, cultivate your fucking mind.

So I'm a 'mean' person, sure, if the definition of 'mean' is a lack of pity and sympathy. I have empathy, there's a difference. And I'm a very nice person. I just won't feel sorry and bend for those, who clearly are capable of themselves and are just using pity to gain an advantage. That disgusts me. Get over it already, it's so friggen annoying. None of this should be as any surprise, since I warned you about me already. I'm just fully real, what you see is what you get. Take it for what you will, I could care less.

I would never want anyone to feel sorry for me, why do some people encourage and seek that out? How can people really want to be seen and understood that way? Are you that starved for attention? Well, you won't get it from me.

Caution** Explicit

Damn. So good. Try out his music, it's pretty good. Cosigned by Drake, you know it.

10.27.11

I have good days and bad days, clearly. Today was one of those days that leave me feeling so helpless and lost.
Such an emotionally draining day, It really took everything out of me. But part of it, my relationship with my parents is slightly better, for now.
And then the rest, all the crap that is going on inside me. It hurts and I can't breathe at times. And I feel horrible anxiety, you know, the kind that makes you think your heart is literally going to jump out of your own body and give out from exhaustion. Even when crying relieves so much, it still takes so much out of you. I feel so depleted. And despite all this pushing endurance of moving forward- it will never cease, I still want to stop and fade away, but I fight that and put it away everyday. I don't know what else to say.

Blown Out

Shit, I feel so burnt out. I need a break. Like a real one; I guess all this stressing me out is getting to me, it's too physically demanding.

I Can't Say

I can't say I'm not scared out of my wits about tonight. But I'm more nervous and excited in anticipation than fear of anything else. He makes everything so easy and zero pressure. Who knew?

But I do have to get to know him a lot better to decide anything.

And by the way, this isn't just some guy I randomly met. I've known him from college a long while ago, through a really good friend I consider part of my second family. But we've never really spoken til now. A random coincidental chance encounter. So we'll see. Whatever happens happens, whether there is something or if we just stay friends. I'm genuinely cool with whatever.

It's Been Knocking At My Door

"Just breathe, relax, and let it in. Because being afraid of happiness is complete nonsense." Right?

It's been knocking at my door for quite some time now, but I've chosen not to answer or consider it. Most of the time, I try to follow my instincts and intuition, while letting things naturally take their courses to unravel themselves. And it is completely true when they say, when you're not looking for anything, that's when something finds you.
I feel like I'll naturally answer it (whatever it is or may be), when everything in my body's entirety feels right. And I mean everything. I'll know when it's really the right time because I won't be filled with under-sided lingering thoughts, doubts, and uncertainties- everything that is a flare up warning that it/something is not right. But what I will be filled with, will be solely butterflies. Butterflies, rather than wormy caterpillars.

So, thus I'm a bit hesitant to dedicate an entry to this for fear of jinxing something, but why not?
I have a sort of, casual first date tonight. I am instinctually, and obviously, going to take things really really slow, slowly (used slowly not slower on purpose) ever than before. Part of me, being the control freak I am, is hesitant and fighting the urge, as always of course, to flee the other way back into my comfort zones. Am I ready yet? I don't know. I quite possibly might be. But how will you ever know anything if you don't face your fears and at least try? You can't lose if you never play the game. But, you can't ever win either.

What does make this one slightly memorable enough for this blog is, after nearly 9+ months of chosen non-interest and non-involvement, I am actually, quite easily, allowing myself to see where this one goes. So that means something coming from me. I don't know what, but it's something different I suppose.

This time I am going into this without any judgments or expectations, and with an open heart. So, we'll see what happens. Because whatever happens, happens. And at least we'll all know.

Missing

I still want to go back to Hawaii. I don't know, something about the islands that is so soothingly free. Haha I forgot to archive that I cliff jumped off of a 45 feet drop at Maunawili Falls. Scared the shit out of me, but it was an amazing experience. I would've gone more than once had the impact to the water not hurt so damn much haha. Yeah, I'm pretty great. (: The drop was so long that you actually had time to think on the way down. I remember thinking, "Oh my god, just get to the water already." Haha, life is so great.

Fading Back In

My coveted scars on my skin are beginning to heal with the steroid treatment. I'm still amazed by how effective and strong the steroids really are. My first laser session is in another week and they confirmed that yes, it is going to hurt. But I'm so ready. I've never feared from physical pain. And soon after a couple more months pass, give or take 6 months, they will be just a mere distant memory. It's as if witnessing the physically tangible healing process is in itself a cathartic healing experience for my piece of mind and the transmitted electrical current which radiates throughout my entire body. I can slowly feel myself releasing my frustrations and hurt piece by piece as each day passes. It feels as if all the bottled up and kept air is slowly being let out of my heavy weighted chest.

I'm ready to let go of them. I don't need them anymore. I'm ready to let go of the last year, the horrible 22nd year of my life. Because my 23rd has been by far the best yet, and it's only began.

The Art Of

Letting Go:
I'm re-learning it; trying to refine and perfect it. Inch by inch and string by string, I'm beginning to return back to my senses. Though I've still got about 65% to go, it's a going.

Pushing Forward:
Starting last week, I've jumped started myself quite well back into productive mode with the addition of a few new improvements. Life is awesome. And I feel great. (well, most of the time. but hey, take what you can, it's the little things right?)

Presently Applied Objectives:
Work, Gym, Study. And with occasional breaks. But mostly I'm keeping my head on straight. Or at least trying to with the not so graceful track record I have. With all the while continuing to work on improving my karma and just being an all around better person.

Current Thoughts and Conclusions:
And even though all these emotions and sentiments, thoughts and tribulations leave, come and go within a matter of days, I live through a million moments and feelings a day, so sometimes the shortest time span can in actually be a lifetime with the right motives and positive intentions.

I'm beginning to become proud of myself again as I once used to be. I'm beginning to accept the things I have done, the things I cannot change, and the things I should let go. More so, I've begun to entirely accept myself for who I am, the major klutz that I am , inside and out, and what I do- with certainty and clarity.
I don't want to lose control and become the slightest bit unhinged again. And yes, I do know that I will always have 'episodes' throughout my life, but rather than fight it, I've embraced it. I'm not going to be someone I'm not. I am just me.
I know my vices and my chemical conditions, so now I need to make the right thought out decisions and act accordingly if I ever want any chance of a near 'normal' and steady life without 'intense emotional catastrophes'. But what matters most is that you don't ever stop trying. And I'm glad I'm stubborn enough to never stop.

5:30 A.M. 10.20.2011

I woke up so distraught this one night so much so that I had to do something about it. So there is what I wrote in my notebook- of course with some better editing and revising than a blurry wake up transcribing.

"It's so stupid. Even in my dreams, I still can't escape. And I remember the ones with you so vividly, while others I can hardly recall by the time I've woken up.

I hate it, I candidly and genuinely abhor it.

The ones with you, these annoyingly and painstakingly stay with me; though I wholeheartedly wish they didn't, or never came into existence for the matter.

How am I ever going to have even a slightest chance of getting away? How do I effectively disengage from it all? God knows how hard I have been trying for what it seems like forever now, but I always relapse.