Thursday, May 30, 2013
And then.
And then the rough seas magically calmed. Settling down with such pleasant triumph. The rays of sun were able to show through the perpetual; yet, beautiful gloom.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Incredible
Remarkable, how I
can fake and feign.
While every vein
in my strong body
is throbbing with
undying, reluctant,
and searing dark insane.
Rendered completely
useless.
Writhing and writing
in bed;
Laying down proves,
not everything is
completely fruitless.
Still, no hasty incisions; yet,
poor luck will soon follow-
demanding, too damned and
impatient decisions, to be met.
The first hollowed
and then kept.
Trapped in
this wretched body
of mine.
A mimed bell jar.
Constantly waiting, from afar.
Patiently waiting,
for a miracle
to pass my clouded and
cursed time
to my unexpected and
twisted kind.
can fake and feign.
While every vein
in my strong body
is throbbing with
undying, reluctant,
and searing dark insane.
Rendered completely
useless.
Writhing and writing
in bed;
Laying down proves,
not everything is
completely fruitless.
Still, no hasty incisions; yet,
poor luck will soon follow-
demanding, too damned and
impatient decisions, to be met.
The first hollowed
and then kept.
Trapped in
this wretched body
of mine.
A mimed bell jar.
Constantly waiting, from afar.
Patiently waiting,
for a miracle
to pass my clouded and
cursed time
to my unexpected and
twisted kind.
Warmth
The tinkering of sweet rain falling.
The dry summer smell,
of that breeze calling.
Late star gazing,
under warm filled nights.
Great long term lack
of those, heavy fights and flights.
Away are we,
in all unwelcome and deathly lies.
Simple love,
in all forms and free highs.
Pure liquid sunshine,
forged from two bona fide lovers.
Drunk off one another.
Nature's wine, has our hearts' a flutter.
The neverending yearning for
your matched and light lips.
And such amazing butterflies,
with back and forth gentle quips.
Your never forgetting
protector arms around me.
Always messaging me
love letters and notes, subliminally.
The dry summer smell,
of that breeze calling.
Late star gazing,
under warm filled nights.
Great long term lack
of those, heavy fights and flights.
Away are we,
in all unwelcome and deathly lies.
Simple love,
in all forms and free highs.
Pure liquid sunshine,
forged from two bona fide lovers.
Drunk off one another.
Nature's wine, has our hearts' a flutter.
The neverending yearning for
your matched and light lips.
And such amazing butterflies,
with back and forth gentle quips.
Your never forgetting
protector arms around me.
Always messaging me
love letters and notes, subliminally.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Depression; The Lesson
I,
am a blank-
dark ocean.
A canvas,
always stirring- with
chaotic-like emotions.
My stormy waters,
so utterly blue.
Created and aligned,
with such, multi-faceted hues.
Like a
pseudo-steel wall.
Deep currents,
are so easily
succumbed- to the
ever taunting falls.
Molded, the crafty fluidity
of my liquid-like,
rises.
Then, the low drops.
After, a final night's
full surmises.
Moonlight, reflects-
the only thing, so clear.
Life's giant mirror, shining-
my sins and misdeeds;
back with, the heavy fear.
These lessons, harshly turned.
Always ending
through fire's,
glowing burn.
am a blank-
dark ocean.
A canvas,
always stirring- with
chaotic-like emotions.
My stormy waters,
so utterly blue.
Created and aligned,
with such, multi-faceted hues.
Like a
pseudo-steel wall.
Deep currents,
are so easily
succumbed- to the
ever taunting falls.
Molded, the crafty fluidity
of my liquid-like,
rises.
Then, the low drops.
After, a final night's
full surmises.
Moonlight, reflects-
the only thing, so clear.
Life's giant mirror, shining-
my sins and misdeeds;
back with, the heavy fear.
These lessons, harshly turned.
Always ending
through fire's,
glowing burn.
Friday, May 24, 2013
These
Shadows of leaves.
The memories, left on
my stained sleeves.
The beauties
behind life's twists;
Can be matched,
to our bright dawn's
lingering mists.
Like a lasting
adrenaline sparked,
sweet and pure kiss.
Thus rendering one,
so utterly left
in perpetual, powerful
complete bliss.
Take an intense
and poisonous, deep
dragging, dark breath.
Now, no need ever,
to crave unnervingly,
such an entranced death.
These strong drugs
soon, will lead to a
dimmed unrest.
The last and final
true passing,
of life's incomparable test.
The memories, left on
my stained sleeves.
The beauties
behind life's twists;
Can be matched,
to our bright dawn's
lingering mists.
Like a lasting
adrenaline sparked,
sweet and pure kiss.
Thus rendering one,
so utterly left
in perpetual, powerful
complete bliss.
Take an intense
and poisonous, deep
dragging, dark breath.
Now, no need ever,
to crave unnervingly,
such an entranced death.
These strong drugs
soon, will lead to a
dimmed unrest.
The last and final
true passing,
of life's incomparable test.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
This
Moonlight and star dust,
on every corner.
Warm summer nights, radiating love-
between cute foreigners.
Far away from all familiarity-
comfort zones eased, from
any sort of known clarity.
Hazy afternoons, spent swimming
in metaphorical seas.
Blurry senses, drifting
from all heavy tease.
This.
Surely is a form;
Fate chosen rarity.
Forged, from
pure heart's
sweet sincerity.
on every corner.
Warm summer nights, radiating love-
between cute foreigners.
Far away from all familiarity-
comfort zones eased, from
any sort of known clarity.
Hazy afternoons, spent swimming
in metaphorical seas.
Blurry senses, drifting
from all heavy tease.
This.
Surely is a form;
Fate chosen rarity.
Forged, from
pure heart's
sweet sincerity.
Under
Ugly- twisted,
Hopeless, pale misfit.
Dark soul, but gifted.
Yet, undervalued and
too long drifted.
Strong,
however; still run down.
There's nothing left,
but what's to be lastly found.
Hopeless, pale misfit.
Dark soul, but gifted.
Yet, undervalued and
too long drifted.
Strong,
however; still run down.
There's nothing left,
but what's to be lastly found.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
You
Quiet, bright love on liquid fires.
Senses- which cannot be held in,
from muffled desires.
Fresh kisses- like falling, warm tulip petals.
Good feels, coming from friendly- small tea kettles.
Receding- lonely pain, finally dissipating,
welcoming slow-rising, lovely- high elating.
Growing lust, in timid sound bites.
Intimacy made best, on star-filled- gazing nights.
Moon light, candle lit- soft jokes.
The sounds of rain,
amongst innocent- affectionate strokes.
Strands of long, dark hair,
falling all over-
pale skins, smooth and fair.
Your steady, intense eyes.
Will surely,
be my own- welcomed demise.
Our tangled limbs.
And together, beautiful sins.
Those light footprints- on carpet,
while, both hearts destined-
on the same target.
Bottled,
sweet memories.
Enough to last and remain,
through time's, ever changing leaves.
Senses- which cannot be held in,
from muffled desires.
Fresh kisses- like falling, warm tulip petals.
Good feels, coming from friendly- small tea kettles.
Receding- lonely pain, finally dissipating,
welcoming slow-rising, lovely- high elating.
Growing lust, in timid sound bites.
Intimacy made best, on star-filled- gazing nights.
Moon light, candle lit- soft jokes.
The sounds of rain,
amongst innocent- affectionate strokes.
Strands of long, dark hair,
falling all over-
pale skins, smooth and fair.
Your steady, intense eyes.
Will surely,
be my own- welcomed demise.
Our tangled limbs.
And together, beautiful sins.
Those light footprints- on carpet,
while, both hearts destined-
on the same target.
Bottled,
sweet memories.
Enough to last and remain,
through time's, ever changing leaves.
In
Darkness and throbbing misses.
Red falls, while laying down, listless.
Away from this reality's heavy hands,
I would rather stay, in Alice's Wonderland.
With heavenly, feathery moods
and high filled, dark-lit balloons.
For no- damned good reason,
candles-
always, celebrating the season.
Winding passing days,
with never-ending,
exploding unbirthdays.
Forever broken clocks,
time perpetually
and willingly stops.
Red falls, while laying down, listless.
Away from this reality's heavy hands,
I would rather stay, in Alice's Wonderland.
With heavenly, feathery moods
and high filled, dark-lit balloons.
For no- damned good reason,
candles-
always, celebrating the season.
Winding passing days,
with never-ending,
exploding unbirthdays.
Forever broken clocks,
time perpetually
and willingly stops.
The Night
Those beautiful, black butterflies.
Dancing- whispering. Fluttering,
blank goodbyes.
Capricious non-devils.
All sorts of mischievous-
light, what hells.
Enveloping you, from all sides-
waiting, for the bright moonlight.
To meet- the soothing- blue ocean tide,
risking, any, dark wavering heights.
The still warm sand at your feet.
Comforting you-
while you remain deep.
Fateful, in your sleep.
Dancing- whispering. Fluttering,
blank goodbyes.
Capricious non-devils.
All sorts of mischievous-
light, what hells.
Enveloping you, from all sides-
waiting, for the bright moonlight.
To meet- the soothing- blue ocean tide,
risking, any, dark wavering heights.
The still warm sand at your feet.
Comforting you-
while you remain deep.
Fateful, in your sleep.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
I Love This Song, Forever
I've probably already posted this song, but eh.
I slip softly through, all my dreams, my dear, they are of you.
Even if your heart stops, I’ll be there to hold you up. Even as the world turns, I’ll be there to watch the fire burn.
Burn us both alive.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Youth In A Glass
Yellows- and white petals,
Light raindrops- and carefree, dark, empty lots.
Frequent light stops, around the local community shops,
Young love, with innocent air, above.
Fresh dew, among a beautiful pale blue,
Sneaking in- living life- after hours, to the brim.
Warm summer nights, under star filled, sky sights.
Dusk, being the most incredible time of day.
We'd wait forever, for this way.
Light raindrops- and carefree, dark, empty lots.
Frequent light stops, around the local community shops,
Young love, with innocent air, above.
Fresh dew, among a beautiful pale blue,
Sneaking in- living life- after hours, to the brim.
Warm summer nights, under star filled, sky sights.
Dusk, being the most incredible time of day.
We'd wait forever, for this way.
Ocean
Emptiness ensues,
killing every- and all possible moods.
Nothing, but hot, black coffee cups,
though, I'm still, left alone by those- long high ups.
Flowing music, aids to soothe.
When my broken- and damaged body, can barely move.
This fine pen, is my extension.
It's my heart- the beat, with no pretensions.
This is the only saving, smooth grace.
Managing to mark, life's every- little, beautiful trace.
Healing, hopefully, soon to be unfailing.
I can't coexist anymore.
With this, unhealthy- rough sailing.
Stormy waters surround my reality,
unlimited painful currents, must be the utter finality.
Light blue swallow birds, will eventually guide me back,
a safe journey- away from the lovely, and missing lack.
killing every- and all possible moods.
Nothing, but hot, black coffee cups,
though, I'm still, left alone by those- long high ups.
Flowing music, aids to soothe.
When my broken- and damaged body, can barely move.
This fine pen, is my extension.
It's my heart- the beat, with no pretensions.
This is the only saving, smooth grace.
Managing to mark, life's every- little, beautiful trace.
Healing, hopefully, soon to be unfailing.
I can't coexist anymore.
With this, unhealthy- rough sailing.
Stormy waters surround my reality,
unlimited painful currents, must be the utter finality.
Light blue swallow birds, will eventually guide me back,
a safe journey- away from the lovely, and missing lack.
Radiation
Open sores,
It's dark black red,
to my core.
I miss the pulsing surge.
Where all would
fluidly and beautifully, merge.
The world is pouring,
pain is always on- the touring.
Thus, spreading the continuing word,
'Til my soaring next mornings.
It's dark black red,
to my core.
I miss the pulsing surge.
Where all would
fluidly and beautifully, merge.
The world is pouring,
pain is always on- the touring.
Thus, spreading the continuing word,
'Til my soaring next mornings.
Frustrated
Ugh, I'm fucking frustrated that everything I'm writing lately is pure SHIT. Fucking of awful substance. Such mediocre and bad, bad poetry, at best. What is going on!!
Fuck Up
My heart swells heavily,
with the misfortune of
death longed heavenly.
Take away this body of mine,
kill off all the matter,
in time.
Please help me stave off my
crimes.
I need to be healed, forever
of all kinds.
with the misfortune of
death longed heavenly.
Take away this body of mine,
kill off all the matter,
in time.
Please help me stave off my
crimes.
I need to be healed, forever
of all kinds.
"Oh, That"
I hate myself,
For everything I've done.
How to kill myself,
would be the only thing, fairly won.
Sadness always wins,
while the internal lights
are forever, on dim.
My soul is a perpetual
blank, one suffering heart.
There's no way ever,
out.
Not even through, poorly written,
fucking, failing art.
For everything I've done.
How to kill myself,
would be the only thing, fairly won.
Sadness always wins,
while the internal lights
are forever, on dim.
My soul is a perpetual
blank, one suffering heart.
There's no way ever,
out.
Not even through, poorly written,
fucking, failing art.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
"I"
I breathe in my own life,
I breathe out my own personal strifes.
I inhale my own clear- white, fallen angels,
I exhale- and thus, expel my own black, dark- bent hells.
I breathe out my own personal strifes.
I inhale my own clear- white, fallen angels,
I exhale- and thus, expel my own black, dark- bent hells.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Ripping And Crawling
I feel like ripping off all of my skin today. I can't.
The only thing that seems to help is writing poetry, but I left my notebook at home. Fuck.
And I have my therapist appointment today too.
I can't.
On
On the plus side, I've wrote so many more poems just now to add to the two I wrote yesterday. Huzzah for the little things.
Nope
After a month or so on antidepressants, still don't want to live, kinda still want to die. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of being me and tired of not cutting. And I'm so tired of waiting. Fucking rollercoasters man.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Untitled
smeared lights and
rain-rinsed windowpanes
moon-soaked nights and
star-filled driving lanes
my youth in a memory sleeve.
the sky dusk to dawn cigarette smoke hanging eaves
and sweet dry blowing breeze
dancing through sun-kissed bare branched trees
while radiating unstoppable waves
through currents of blue oceanic seas
all unwavered nostalgia, bottled then stunted.
first lit on fire
with metaphorical lightening
and desire
now, no longer modeled- but forever, harshly blunted
and tired.
rain-rinsed windowpanes
moon-soaked nights and
star-filled driving lanes
my youth in a memory sleeve.
the sky dusk to dawn cigarette smoke hanging eaves
and sweet dry blowing breeze
dancing through sun-kissed bare branched trees
while radiating unstoppable waves
through currents of blue oceanic seas
all unwavered nostalgia, bottled then stunted.
first lit on fire
with metaphorical lightening
and desire
now, no longer modeled- but forever, harshly blunted
and tired.
Ode
What is it about hands?
(that I love so?)
It's the fingertips,
the memories in
the fingerprints.
It's the remarkable brushes of skin,
the mental marks
of gentle sin.
In my restless sleep,
I dream, alone.
And I awake with yours.
(that I love so?)
It's the fingertips,
the memories in
the fingerprints.
It's the remarkable brushes of skin,
the mental marks
of gentle sin.
In my restless sleep,
I dream, alone.
And I awake with yours.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)
This cover of the classic and amazing song by The Proclaimers is awesome. Awesome way to turn it into a ballad. Way to go Grey's Anatomy.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
I Fell In Love At The Seaside
I've already posted this song in the past, but whatever. I miss listening to The Kooks. God, I love music.
Ah
Thank you, the pain is beginning to dissipate again.
Lol, there's got to be a better way. My demeanor is drastically different between the two.
It's incredible how much better I feel, the pain even disappears from my hands and a deluge if calm washes over me. Everything is smooth and the white noise quiets, amazingly. There's no other feeling like it, having this pain you've had your whole life gone. Even looking at the difference in tone and context of my entries on these virtual pages, from my words, it's extremely noticeable. I'm in awe.
Chasing Prozac
Waking up at 4am automatically after finally drifting to sleep and beating hardcore insomnia, then chasing the pain with a pill. Thus, waiting again for the pain to reside.
My body is way too sensitive and unbelievably strong at the same time. The beast is a strong and cheeky motherfucker that apparently won't go gently nor unwillingly at all. Fucker isn't giving up without a battle.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Old Souls- Vintage Love
I decided to utilize my old vintage pill box, since I actually need it now. I love vintage stuff and I've had this since before I was born. Beautiful things make me feel better.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
The Hours
The couple of hours before my second dose of the day is painful. I fear comedowns of any sort.
I've Been Tryin' To Do It Right
I fucking love this song. And this cover beats the original. These two girls are so goddamn talented.
Thank god for music. I've said it time and time again, and will take it to my grave.
Music is an essence of life.
And we take what we can to get by.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Will You Still Love Me
I don't listen to Lana Del Rey, but I cannot stop playing this song. The trailer got me. It's one of my favorite books of all time. One of the only books I wanted to reread all over again immediately after I had just finished the last sentence.
Bona Fide Pill Popper
So went to the psychiatrist's for a check up today. Told him everything I've been feeling.
We're gonna switch the two 10mg capsules to morning and night again twice a day, since when I started taking them together in the morning, like I was told to, I relapsed into my old trusty beast of a buddy, Depression. Good old D. What a fucker.
And then he gave me 2mg Abilify. I'm supposed to start taking that at night too, along with my 10mg capsule of Prozac. Should be interesting.
So of course, I immediately started doing research on this new drug my body has to consume. And, I've got to tell you, I'm a little worried.
It's a fucking anti-psychotic!
What.
The.
Fuck.
Right?
Great.
But at least it's a very small dose. So we shall see what happens.
Out of all the other anti-psychotics, this one has the least side effects. So here's hoping.
I hope it doesn't make me gain weight. The side effects are fucking horrible. HIGH BLOOD SUGAR? And IT COULD KILL ME?! WHAT THE FUCK.
okay, whatever. all trial and error eh? lol, ahhhhhh.
Ey, but on a side note.
At least all this medication has not stunted my creativity. It has actually sparked the flame which once had been extinguished for the longest time. so, cool.
We're gonna switch the two 10mg capsules to morning and night again twice a day, since when I started taking them together in the morning, like I was told to, I relapsed into my old trusty beast of a buddy, Depression. Good old D. What a fucker.
And then he gave me 2mg Abilify. I'm supposed to start taking that at night too, along with my 10mg capsule of Prozac. Should be interesting.
So of course, I immediately started doing research on this new drug my body has to consume. And, I've got to tell you, I'm a little worried.
It's a fucking anti-psychotic!
What.
The.
Fuck.
Right?
Great.
But at least it's a very small dose. So we shall see what happens.
Out of all the other anti-psychotics, this one has the least side effects. So here's hoping.
I hope it doesn't make me gain weight. The side effects are fucking horrible. HIGH BLOOD SUGAR? And IT COULD KILL ME?! WHAT THE FUCK.
okay, whatever. all trial and error eh? lol, ahhhhhh.
Ey, but on a side note.
At least all this medication has not stunted my creativity. It has actually sparked the flame which once had been extinguished for the longest time. so, cool.
The Truth- Long Story Short
People say ignorance is bliss, I guess that's completely true.
Because no matter what, my mother cannot seem to connect the reason for my behaviour as a child. She knows that I never smiled and that I always cried when she gad to leave me. She knew that I could never get rid of my security blanket and that I woke up in the middle of the night and needed to sleep near my parents for the longest time, but she can't put the pieces together to figure out why I did these things. She doesn't understand that the things my parents did, every action they made as I was a child, deeply impacted me and who I am today. She doesn't understand at all how her behavior can affect my quality of life in any way and what the effect is now.
I made her fill in the pieces because I did boy want my perspective to be incredibly skewed or biased (even though most of the time I am a heavy realist who sees things literally as they are even though I like to play with words), and by no means was my childhood, not my brother's for the matter, normal.
When my brother was born at 3 months, my parents had my grandma take him to Taiwan to live because they couldn't take care of him since they had to work all of the time.
My mother didn't even get my joke when I interjected and said that my brother and I were just check marks to be crossed out. She just laughed and blatantly agreed at my joke that indeed we were that. I'm never really sure if she understands when I speak in English to her because of the language barrier.
Okay so after a year, he was brought back. So ever since we can remember, it's true, they were never around. So that's that chapter.
Then I was born when my brother was 5. My grandma wanted to take me overseas, just the same, but this time my mother didn't want to because she wanted to keep her babies with her.
But throughout everything, they were always working and had other people take care of us.
I clearly made her specifically explain, so I would not get it wrong. She put mee immediately in school the moment I was potty trained. So at one year old I began school. No wonder I remember being carried in blankets all the time in a car, waking up getting dressed and going to school.
She also said that she always made are she had someone there to take care of me and my brother. She found different neighbors, nannies, and tutors while they were always away.
"Shit, so you guys really were gone ever since I can remember. You were never there, no one was."
"No, we were there."
"No, all I remember was crying alp of the time because you weren't there."
"You weren't always crying, you weren't crying with me."
"That's because you were there, with me, that I wasn't crying, you guys weren't there." (see the disconnection there that she can't seem to get?)
"But we always made sure someone was there to take care of you guys"
Those last words are what haunt me. There's a difference between having your parents there taking care of you and then having a series of related bodies, authority figures, taking care of you out of obligation because this is the way it has to be.
But she said they didn't have the time to take care of us.
Typical. I told her she should've waited then. "Then you shouldn't have had us." (it's of no wonder why my generation is so screwed up) She said, but they wanted babies. We were all part of the carefully thought out plan. The list to be checked off.
I use my sense of humor as a huge buffer when speaking to people. Especially those related by blood. It makes it easier, I feel, for them to handle my bluntness and harsh honestly at times. Softens the passive aggressive blow, if you will.
It's no wonder I am the way I am and how I can form any healthy relationship/friendship in my adult (yet still very immature) life. And how I can't seem to isolate my emotions sometimes so I end up feeling like everything's my fault.
So I actually didn't get it wrong with my childhood perspective and I actually remember the right things quite clearly.
See, my therapist thought that my perspective would be quite skewed or biased given that I only have ny own experiences to go off of, she doesn't know how much of a die hard realist I really am. (why does everyone seem to assume that I live in a fantasy world? I know what's real)
But everything in my childhood and upbringing was in fact worse than I originally thought it to be.
Yet, rather than feel bad for me, I feel for my brother instead, because all of my tragedy already knew. But I seriously misjudged him on the basis of our childhood and the great tradition of the lack of communication our family has enabled and continued to spurn for generations. I respect my brother so much now for the way he is. We misjudged each other. And I am in awe how much more well adjusted he has come out of all this despite our childhood. Because what we remember is just part of the real picture that was even worse than what we could've ever imagined without the help of my mother completing the storyline puzzle.
Funny how childhood blurs the lines for you because it has to protect you from something.
But my parents are in no way bad people. In fact, they have the best hearts and I am very lucky for everything they have given me. They love me very much, it was a different time then. They immigrated here without anything and had to make something out of nothing. I'm very lucky. It could always be worse. All childhoods are good and bad. It's just something we learn to accept and hopefully can move on from.
Because no matter what, my mother cannot seem to connect the reason for my behaviour as a child. She knows that I never smiled and that I always cried when she gad to leave me. She knew that I could never get rid of my security blanket and that I woke up in the middle of the night and needed to sleep near my parents for the longest time, but she can't put the pieces together to figure out why I did these things. She doesn't understand that the things my parents did, every action they made as I was a child, deeply impacted me and who I am today. She doesn't understand at all how her behavior can affect my quality of life in any way and what the effect is now.
I made her fill in the pieces because I did boy want my perspective to be incredibly skewed or biased (even though most of the time I am a heavy realist who sees things literally as they are even though I like to play with words), and by no means was my childhood, not my brother's for the matter, normal.
When my brother was born at 3 months, my parents had my grandma take him to Taiwan to live because they couldn't take care of him since they had to work all of the time.
My mother didn't even get my joke when I interjected and said that my brother and I were just check marks to be crossed out. She just laughed and blatantly agreed at my joke that indeed we were that. I'm never really sure if she understands when I speak in English to her because of the language barrier.
Okay so after a year, he was brought back. So ever since we can remember, it's true, they were never around. So that's that chapter.
Then I was born when my brother was 5. My grandma wanted to take me overseas, just the same, but this time my mother didn't want to because she wanted to keep her babies with her.
But throughout everything, they were always working and had other people take care of us.
I clearly made her specifically explain, so I would not get it wrong. She put mee immediately in school the moment I was potty trained. So at one year old I began school. No wonder I remember being carried in blankets all the time in a car, waking up getting dressed and going to school.
She also said that she always made are she had someone there to take care of me and my brother. She found different neighbors, nannies, and tutors while they were always away.
"Shit, so you guys really were gone ever since I can remember. You were never there, no one was."
"No, we were there."
"No, all I remember was crying alp of the time because you weren't there."
"You weren't always crying, you weren't crying with me."
"That's because you were there, with me, that I wasn't crying, you guys weren't there." (see the disconnection there that she can't seem to get?)
"But we always made sure someone was there to take care of you guys"
Those last words are what haunt me. There's a difference between having your parents there taking care of you and then having a series of related bodies, authority figures, taking care of you out of obligation because this is the way it has to be.
But she said they didn't have the time to take care of us.
Typical. I told her she should've waited then. "Then you shouldn't have had us." (it's of no wonder why my generation is so screwed up) She said, but they wanted babies. We were all part of the carefully thought out plan. The list to be checked off.
I use my sense of humor as a huge buffer when speaking to people. Especially those related by blood. It makes it easier, I feel, for them to handle my bluntness and harsh honestly at times. Softens the passive aggressive blow, if you will.
It's no wonder I am the way I am and how I can form any healthy relationship/friendship in my adult (yet still very immature) life. And how I can't seem to isolate my emotions sometimes so I end up feeling like everything's my fault.
So I actually didn't get it wrong with my childhood perspective and I actually remember the right things quite clearly.
See, my therapist thought that my perspective would be quite skewed or biased given that I only have ny own experiences to go off of, she doesn't know how much of a die hard realist I really am. (why does everyone seem to assume that I live in a fantasy world? I know what's real)
But everything in my childhood and upbringing was in fact worse than I originally thought it to be.
Yet, rather than feel bad for me, I feel for my brother instead, because all of my tragedy already knew. But I seriously misjudged him on the basis of our childhood and the great tradition of the lack of communication our family has enabled and continued to spurn for generations. I respect my brother so much now for the way he is. We misjudged each other. And I am in awe how much more well adjusted he has come out of all this despite our childhood. Because what we remember is just part of the real picture that was even worse than what we could've ever imagined without the help of my mother completing the storyline puzzle.
Funny how childhood blurs the lines for you because it has to protect you from something.
But my parents are in no way bad people. In fact, they have the best hearts and I am very lucky for everything they have given me. They love me very much, it was a different time then. They immigrated here without anything and had to make something out of nothing. I'm very lucky. It could always be worse. All childhoods are good and bad. It's just something we learn to accept and hopefully can move on from.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I can't live like this anymore
I used to say suicide is selfish. It still is, but now I can understand why one would do it. Because living like this, trapped, even for one more second longer is too unbearable. And anything, other than the continued feeling of this, is better than this.
My life us a series of wasted seconds of waiting.
Smeared lights and rain rinsed windowpanes.
I
feel like ripping my own skin off, but that can't be an option anymore because THEY KNOW. And the older I get, the longer it takes to heal and the more permanent my scars accumulate and become. It's like I'm getting older but I'm internally stunted.
I've never been as physically crippled as I feel and am now. How did this even happen.
Bleh.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Friday, May 3, 2013
It- Us- Could Haves; Yet, Nevers
7 years, give or take of continuous active friendship. Yet, before that, I've known of you for almost half of my life.
It doesn't matter, it'll never happen. You and I, T.
I just need to stop getting sucked in whenever we have our usual conversations. I ignore you and you always come back.
We're always there, but always not.
Because I'm never the one.
Such is the case with life.
Letting go is the story of all our lives.
Plus, I've given up on love altogether. As it gave up on me. It's just easier to live this way.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
2
For the past two days I've felt like ripping my own skin off. Why has it stopped working?
Is it because I did what the psychiatrist told me to do? I started taking two in the morning rather than the initial one in the morning and one at night after the dosage increase.
Argh, frustrating. I just feel like breaking shit.
My life consists of a constant stream of always waiting.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Ballads; Over And Over Again
His voice does it for me, every time. I've said it once and I'll say it again. I'd rather have a man who can sing over one who can dance, any day. (Something suspicious about a guy who's too smooth on the dance floor if you know what I mean.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
